Saturday, March 10, 2007

Back, Sack, & Crack

It’s very easy to be at home surfing all the singles websites on a cold winter night, and then going out drinking and fulfilling your daily calorie intake while meeting some random “dude” at a bar. One gets to a certain point in their life where they just don’t frequent the bars/clubs as much as they used to, and instead find themselves sitting at home, searching the net looking for singles. Could we ever have imagined, years ago, that we just may find our husband or wife in the world of internet dating?

You start by posting a profile and picture, and in the boxes where is asks you to tell about yourself, you sit there and think about what to write. Do I speak the “truth” or do I say the generic; I’m looking for my “soul mate,” I want a “best friend,” or I like the movies, clubs, bars, and museums…and don’t forget, oh, I’m SO athletic. Then, you click on the second picture and you think—ATHLETIC! This guy looks like he weighs 250 pounds. Is his sport of choice pie-eating contests? Along with reading many profiles and random emails you get, I find it fascinating how SO many of them aren’t TRUE. How do some of you men actually think that posting a picture back when you where 160 pounds and had a full head of thick black hair is going to get you laid at 35 when you are BALD and 80 pounds heavier? When you click on the second picture to find out that the first picture is from ten years prior, it can be QUITE shocking. Where did all his hair go; where’s his “baby face” and “athletic build?”

Starting a relationship of any sort on lies and misrepresentations is NOT going to help you in the long run. Men and women, at some point, figure out what it is they are attracted to. For some it’s brains, looks, personality, family background, religion/culture, careers, sexual orientation, or for the gold diggers, how much loot is in the bank. Well, it’s very easy to hide and lie on all of the above when placing your singles posting, and I will tell you, it SUCKS! I have been out on so many online dates that I stopped counting! The guy will say he’s 5’10” and I, 5’8”, will put a tiny heel on and meet the guy only to find out he’s almost a whole head shorter than me, and his eyes are at breast-level. Is that any way to start off…by LYING? Even worse, is when in the picture they have a FULL head of hair, and when you meet them you find they’re as bald as the Boston College eagle! Men, do you like “bald women”? Maybe some of you do, or maybe some like that little strip called the Brazilian, but either way, I’m sure a woman, if asked, wouldn’t LIE so that when you go down on her you find a grass field and become so turned off that you jump up, throw your pants on, and bolt faster than a rod of lightening!

Being well-maintained and manicured is just as important for men as it is for women. There is nothing worse when playing footsies with someone and their feet are rough or their nails are so long that they scratch you every time your legs rub against theirs. Seriously, get yourself into the Korean’s for a pedicure! What about hair--the topic MOST women HATE about men. Out of all the women I’ve had this conversation with, there is NOTHING worse than a man who is covered from head to toe like an “ape.” Men, do you like a woman who doesn’t shave or wax? Well, let me introduce you to the “J-sisters.” It’s on 57th Street, and they give a wax like never before. GET IN THERE! Back hair, chest hair, hair around your balls, TRIM IT, BUZZ IT, WAX IT, but somehow get rid of it and clean it up! I cannot tell you how many times I have sat with my metro sexual guy friends at Salvi’s, this unbelievable barber shop in Newton, Massachusetts. For 11 bucks, the men get a clean trim and a little shave. Now, there are other men I know who spend over $50 on a hair cut and the hairdresser, but then the client won’t shave the neck, leaving this hair from their back EWWEEEEE nothing more unattractive! Men, you must do something about this problem. You could be a very handsome man, have a great personality, and the girl may really like you, but the hair problem needs to be addressed.

It was winter time; there was a UJA (United Jewish Federation) charity event at the Puck building in New York. I end up meeting one of my friends, Josh. He’s tall, funny, a great dancer, and a “hairy” Israeli! How could I tell he was hairy? Well, it was quite obvious. He had greasy, longish-length THICK hair, rough like scruff on his face, and I sensed he was a hairy like “ape.” Sure enough, we ended up going out for drinks after the event. He took off his blazer to coat check it, and unbuttoned the first 3 buttons on his white Hugo Boss button down. MAN when I tell you I could’ve French-braided the hair on his chest! Oh my god, I was SO turned off. Not to sound mean, but come on now. MEN, just like how you like a clean girl “down under,” please have some pity on us ladies and start cleaning yourself up before being SO critical on us!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wax my tiny pecker and balls everyday.

Dating Maven said...

I commend your boldness in sharing your personal hygeniene secrets! To all my fellow readers sharing your real life experiences like Kenny did will help encourage others to post comments on their real life experiences as well.