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The Chase

There’s nothing worse then being approached by a guy who seems nice for the moment, but when you try to break free, and go back to your friends becomes a leech. I will never understand why certain men just can’t take the hint. Why do some men latch onto women when it’s quite obvious that woman isn’t into him? It was abundantly clear while with my friend at Ono she wanted no part of this guy; yet he still was chasing her like a puppy and wasting his duckets on her! Men even after several drinks please realize for some women no matter how intoxicated they get they’re still not going to be “into you.” Men don’t you understand that many times the only reason why certain women even entertain having you cling is for the free drinks they know your springing for! To many women it’s pretty clear when a guy isn’t “into her.” However, why do most men never seem to feel the negative vibes a woman gives off, yet will still try? Is it because they like the challenge and threive off the thrill of the chase: Even when what they’re really looking like is a complete loser and desperate?

Little Things Say a LOT!

Just like most women are planners, and men know this, men must try to really LISTEN. Nothing drives women more nuts then when they ask or tell you about plans and even remind you and you will have completely forgotten. If many men can remember to go to a friend’s bachelor party and have plans with the boys, then why can’t they remember a Saturday night date, or worse, a birthday, or anniversary?
Fact: Women get SO aggravated when dating guys and they put forth no effort to make plans or romance.

I laugh when couples say, “Oh, the honeymoon is over,” or “after marriage there’s no sex.” Men, you need to understand that if you want sex and spice, it goes hand and hand with romance and remembering and doing little things. Many men and women forget how turned on one gets from doing the little things, rather only doing something because it’s a Hallmark day.

Men, my Maven advice to keeping your woman happy: never forget the romance, whether in the initial stages of dating, married, or after kids. And, women, men have needs and wants just like you. It may not be getting the new hottest shoes, or latest bag Cameron Diaz is wearing, but often a home-cooked meal and a bottle of wine is just what the Dr. prescribed! My Maven advice to all you men and women out there is to keep the fire lit, and always remember the romance and champagne! Just like my step-dad has always said, “Cards and flowers are bought items and usually only given on required days. It’s the actions and the small things one does that keeps romance alive.” Romance means having to think, and not just paying for something that usually has very little meaning or thought put in! Still though, why do so many men and even some women have trouble being romantic when not expected to be?

Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough.....

For decades (and perhaps centuries), most women are known to have been overly sensitive and analytical, and will usually create unnecessary drama when dating or in a relationship. It’s a fact that many men know this! Yet still so many of my friends will call me to discuss their arguments, disagreements, and squabbles they’ve encountered with their mates. I’ll listen and often quickly see the root. However, many women LOVE going on, ranting and raving, and beating the dead horse. Where on the other-hand most men will usually sit there and listen while she’ll bitch, complain, whine and moan. Most men usually will end up blowing off the “drama,” slam the phone, or walk out, and not really give a shit and give her some well needed space and time to think about what’s really the issue that doesn’t need to be screamed about like lunatic but discussed like a human being.

While reading an article in Oprah June’s edition, there was a very clear statement made, and it 100% makes sense. “Just because the chemistry and sex is great, doesn’t mean 2 people together work as a couple.” I discovered this out the long and hard way. No matter how much 2 people may care for one another and even love each other, if they don’t think similarly and agree on important issues and things, I will GUARANTEE that when in a relationship and when children come into the picture, many issues will arise and pose significant problems. Most men and women need to see that just like kissing needs to be “in sync,” most everything else needs to be, too. If one person thinks one way, which isn’t necessarily bad, and usually the other never agrees, I promise you this will cause more fights and tension than fun, and easy times. It happened to me; I lived through it. No matter what I said or how I explained it, Sebastian never wanted to see it my way until, it became too late, and he started to see I was too fed up to live the rest of my life will constant arguing and disagreeing. As the Maven I finally realized that being in a relationship and not thinking alike or being on the same page, most often won't make for an easy and happy relationship.

Admitting the Truth

We’ve heard many times people say, “women marry older men for money, and younger men often date and marry older women for sex.” Are older men just clueless, and just seeking a woman who is great in the sack who will take care of their sexual needs? Some men often date women who are such bitches and gold diggers that it’s questionable if it’s just an arranged partnership where she has unlimited shopping and credit card usage, and his reward is getting constant sex whenever he wants! Its crazy how many men and women are just blatantly being used and just don’t care. But then we’ll often see the young men who are just using that older woman for great sex. But because of their age of player mode their in, won’t realize that this older, energetic and hot woman may be perfect for them. The problem is when the men get older and in later years when all they have to look at is there bank accounts with a ton of money, they’ll look back while lonely and single and realize that the one great woman is the one they were too stupid to snag up! And often because of sexual needs they end up settling with that “gold digger!” Why can’t singles see that age isn’t the problem and society now welcomes older women dating younger men? And, that the underlining problem with many singles is really, communicating and committing. For some men and women communication and commitment comes naturally, but for others it is WAY more difficult. Why?

Holding feelings in, rarely expressing oneself, and pulling back instead of just going with the flow, when in relationships most will agree is an unhealthy way to live. Most often the things people didn’t address, or confront in younger years will often end up surfacing and coming out in one way or another in later years. When looking back one may have been scared of the hearing the truth or being disappointed, so for whatever reasons they held back. We all know that if you don’t ask, you may always wonder. Is wondering such a good thing? Most of us know that the majority of the time the truth has a weird way of coming out. But, for many it’s just all a game…for others, it’s being scared…and for some, it’s the adrenaline rush of the unknown. What most people don’t want to see and realize is that the unknown is really the truth. However, for whatever reasons many men and women are too afraid to admit or say what that truth really is. It’s so frustrating that so many men and women don’t speak the truth. Men seem to have no issues in directing and telling a woman how they like their pecker caressed and sucked, so why are so many women fearful of telling, (or showing), a guy how to be better? Too often many women and men aren’t honest with how they feel and will hold back from saying what’s really on their mind. Why is this? Why do so many men and women drag out relationships when they deep down know the inevitable? The Maven’s suggestion is to speak the truth no matter how bad it is. Lies always come out! It’s always better to hear the truth directly from the guilty person no matter how bad it is.

Being Out of Touch.....Or, In?

Sometimes men and women need to get their mouths, tongues, and touch in sync before judging and ending something that hasn’t really yet begun. Whether at first base or home plate, not everyone is on the same level in the beginning. Sometimes men and women are nervous and clam up because they think they’re being judged. They may truly like and be attracted to the person, but for undisclosed reasons, aren’t putting forth their best moves or just need to be helped along. If a guy or girl hasn’t experienced being with a great kisser, and I’ve kissed certain guys who were hot but kissing wasn’t their strong suit, often they can be taught. Bad kissing is like saying a guy can’t make you cum…it’s easy to make a man cum…but many women either fake their organisms, or if taught well, will have them every time they have sex.
Men, know this FACT: There is nothing worse than going down on a woman and being ROUGH…it’s a complete turn off! It’s like a woman who uses her teeth when giving head--nothing hurts you more!

Being that I did fully understand what Brea meant, and having a few first kisses weaker than a bad cup of coffee, we shouldn’t go judging from just one kiss. After all, you’ve probably experienced a great kiss and never heard from this person again. Just because it was a great kiss doesn’t mean you’re going to walk down the aisle with him or her or let alone get that call the next day. Why though, if a first kiss is bad, or first time sex sucks, often we’ll think it can’t get better? Sometimes the good kisser and great sex doesn’t turn out to be a well-suited partner. Just maybe that bad kisser or guy that came too quick and couldn’t get you “off,” if coached, could turn out to be better than you could have ever imagined!

For some, judging on first impressions and giving someone a fair chance isn’t easy. Many men and women are too quick to judge. This really isn’t fair. Shouldn’t we try giving people the benefit of the doubt, and if liked, get to know them before making our analysis? Just like people change, looks change, professions and finances change, many times that bad kisser, if given a chance an opportunity, could turn out better than ever. I hate to break it to everyone, but good sex can often wear off, and a shitty kisser CAN get better….trust me on this…I’ve been there on every level!

First Base....Strike, or Run?

Since society has put such an emphasis on being healthy, working out, and looking good, that if you are an attractive man or woman, oftentimes you’ll seek out the same in a mate. While talking with Brea about men, we both agreed we can look past guys carrying a few extra pounds in the gut! What many singles have a hard time understanding is that at first when you meet someone, they may look great. But when comfortable in a relationship, and especially after pregnancy, those good looks often fade. Many need to grasp that looks, bodies, and physical features (for the most part) WILL change, and sadly some don’t have the pleasure of aging gracefully. Couples tend to agree that in the beginning of relationships, physical attraction is deeper and unfortunately sometimes fades over time. When speaking with Brea, she was telling me about Adam who was a few years younger, a little chubby but cute, and had a great personality.

“So, what’s the problem with him? Chubby? Get him on the stair-master and take the bread n’ butter away when you dine with him! We all know weight on many can fluctuate. Not everyone can be as anorexic as you, you know!”
“Ha, ha, yes, I know! His chubbiness doesn’t bother me, and physically I’m attracted to him. The problem was, after the date when he went to kiss me.”
“Huh? What went wrong? You didn’t get a kiss?
“No. I did land a kiss, and it was awful--WORSE than in the sixth grade!”
“I laughed. Oy, are you serious? There’s nothing more disconcerting than a guy who can’t kiss.”
“I was so disappointed, and as wet and turned on as I was, I quickly became like a dried-up well!”
“Do you think he was nervous and didn’t put forth his best kissing effort?”
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME, NO...……a kiss means chemistry, and it’s a make or break!”
“I agree Brea, a kiss does mean chemistry. However, trust me that it’s also like having sex with a new guy for the first time; it may suck. So, because it sucked, that’s it? You’re not going to try it again; he’s over and done?

Just because a first kiss isn’t what you had expected, or the sex wasn’t good, does this mean we shouldn’t give someone another chance and try again? After all, it’s similar to saying that a man or woman who wasn’t planning on hooking up and therefore didn’t shave down below can’t be a hottie with a little Nair! Does this mean just because they were a monkey down under you won’t hook up with them again? Why not try and groom them?

Too Old......Or Not Old Enough?

Having had the “AGE” conversation with so many single men and women, along with hearing Enrique’s story, it’s questionable whether or not age is the real issue here. In Enrique’s case, its only 2 years later, and he’s regretting being so brain dead and letting Ms. Wonderful slip away. Should 2 years, someone’s age, or timing make the difference in forming a relationship? Are we all just being stupid and missing our perfect opportunities?
Many say age matters; however, I truly think of age as just a number or another lame excuse. Age, to me, isn’t a factor if younger, BUT if older, tends to be an issue. The worst is when you meet a guy who’s in his 30s and from his picture looks like it but when you meet, he looks like he’s old enough to be your grandpa! Just like many men like an attractive, healthy, spirited, hot woman, many women feel the same. While many women go to extreme lengths to maintain their youthful look even after kids, they may expect (or at least hope) for men to do the same.

My friend, Natalie, was telling me how she went on a blind date with a guy who was 32 but looked and acted old enough to be her father! She sat on the phone with me saying, “I just don’t understand how a man at 32 can look and act as if he’s 60 and has never opened up a GQ!” I laughed and completely understood. It’s like, we all know sun causes wrinkles, so why so many women continue to slather themselves with baby oil under the hot sun is crazy to me. And then if they have the nerve to say that they say this miss their reflectors, I feel like saying, HONEY reflector? Are you kidding? You should take a trip to a plastic surgeon and zap away all those ugly, aging brown spots you got from the damaging reflector!

But, so often you’ll hear many singles justifying why they are still single by saying it was timing, age, or location, that them from forming a relationship. Was it really all these issues? Or, is always thinking the grass is greener on the other side standing in our way from trying? The hard thing, though, is when the man or woman makes it clear he or she likes you, and you, (for undisclosed reasons), keep playing them like a yo-yo……..Why? Why, when it’s made clear someone likes you only for the sex (and your amazing bod) is the “friend with benefits” thing never addressed or discussed? Are we hiding from having the conversation because we’re scared to be let down, or do we think that by not bringing up one’s want for more and instead just going with the “flow” that maybe on its own time the relationship will blossom? BUT whatever the reason, let the Maven explain to you men that if you snooze, you will lose. If you wait too long and keep playing head games thinking you’ve got her whipped, many girls can quickly turn the whip into a broom and sweep you away. Better YOU should sweep THEM off their feet and whip them away WITH you. Are men not making the move for fear of let down or knowing this maybe the last clitt their dicks feel?

Sunrise, Sunset

Many times, for whatever reasons, we don’t or won’t give “relationships” a chance. We’ll often meet a man or woman, have immediate attraction and chemistry, act on it, and then never hear from the person again. This may be fine if you are just looking to get laid or feel a warm body against you. However, I can say from my years of dating, there are VERY few men that have really made that “impact” on me. For many singles it’s easy to move from man to man, or woman to woman, but for others this isn’t the case. To bring a felt connection/chemistry together instead of just living in the moment or for just one random night can (for many) be torturing experience. It’s questionable if men understand or know this about women. While speaking with Enrique the other night, he was complaining that he can’t find a “normal” girl.

“Enrique, NORMAL? There is no true definition of normal; normal is how you perceive it to be.”
“Well, you know, just to find a girl who can be like my friend that is funny, playful, energetic, smart, and doesn’t complain, or ask too many questions and can get down and dirty behind closed doors whether it be a room in a house or the locked doors in the car!”
“Ha….Ha!”
“I could shoot myself for being so retarded and stupid. To think I let her slip away just because I was 24 and she was older. But I just thought, oh, I’m 24, so many pussies out there, why settle….WELL…..Seriously, what was I thinking? Now, at 26, every girl I meet I compare to her. I adored everything about her, and the conversation was always there, and the sex/connection/chemistry was out of control! Looking back I knew she liked me, even pursued me in her own way, and I was a total jerk for playing head games with her and never stepping up to the plate like I should have and trying to make it work. Who knows, I could’ve been off the market now, happy, fulfilled and content. But instead I’m sitting here, at my office on a Sunday night at 8pm, bored, horny and kicking myself for being such a moron.”
“Well, we’ve all been there. But, it’s frustrating and annoying when the guy plays the ‘yo-yo’ a little too much. It’s like, shit or get off the pot already! I know you like me. But, from all we experience and do in life, a lesson is ALWAYS learned. The question still remains, why do men and women keep playing games instead of keeping it real?

Written Off

So Alexia totally forgot about him… “Wrote him off!” Alexia decided she was fed up with him and the “game” he was apparently playing. When liking someone, and being sexual together, there’s a period when most women and some men become tired of playing games, and actually start caring for the person they’ve developed feelings for. However, this is MUCH easier said and thought about than done! A week went by where there was no correspondence, and Alexia seemed happy and content. BUT, when taking a nap, the vibration went off, and all the quickly-trashed feelings were soon recycled back. Just as easy as a woman can try to write off a man, she can also just as quickly be sucked back in. We often ask ourselves, why does this happen? Well, it’s pretty clear that when women pay no attention to men, men come crawling back with their tails between their legs. This pattern makes it quite clear some game is being played. It’s hard enough to find someone special enough to have intense feelings for. So, WHY play games when it’s clear you are into each other?

Click and Pick

While spending the weekend in Boston, I knew hitting Bloomies wasn’t even a question. Even better was sauntering through the racks with Mom, and taking full advantage of their pre-sale. Of course this meant finding and buying some spring duds! (Like there New York doesn’t have enough shops that I need to stalk up when in Boston! But most daughters will agree, shopping with Mom can be quite the bonding trip!) It was time to pay; we had found and met this very nice salesperson, a Jewish girl from Needham, and 4 months pregnant. You know the Maven was quick to befriend her and get the skinny on how she and her hubby met. But, before those details came into play, Rachel quickly divulged all the horrible dates she went on back in her single years, starting with…

Being over a guy’s place, having to pee, and unable to find a scrap of toilet paper in the man’s bathroom--not even a Kleenex! “Drip Dry, EWE!”
Rule #1:
Men, when you know you are having a date, send for the cleaning lady pronto, or clean up yourself, and make sure to REPLACE and have TOILET PAPER!

Then there was a dinner date which involved Mexican food. Come on now men! Mexican on a first date--without knowing how her tummy will hold up, seriously what was he thinking? I mean, there are those rare occasions where the Tequila and a burrito don’t mix very well! MEN, pleeaase, this is a NO, NO! But, if you do happen to do the Mexican thing on a first date and I’d suggest you DON’T, then make certain to have Tums or Pep readily available!
RULE #2:
MEN, make SURE you always ask your date about ethnic foods, and if she LIKES OR NOT, and my Maven advice is NEVER pick Mexican for a first date! And, WOMEN, on first dates, NEVER order the most expensive thing, and if asked to suggest a spot, make it easy on the belly, and on his wallet!

But, the funniest was after they went for Mexican, and it was doing a number on her stomach, when she went back to use the bathroom where now there was toilet paper there was another BIG problem, there was NO spray, or even a match to strike! ARE YOU KIDDING MEN…NO LYSOL OR GLADE FRESH SENT, NOT EVEN A MATCH? Oh dear, if this was me, I seriously think I would’ve died!!!!
RULE #3 BOTH ladies and gents, ALWAYS SNAG MATCHES when leaving a restaurant; you just never know when they may come in handy! In this case it would’ve been a blessing!

My mouth fell; I was cracking up. Luckily, this has never happened to me. I hate Mexican food, and would probably only drink if taken there, and 99% of the time I always pop a Zantac before heading out--I suggest everyone pop one too! However, no toilet paper has happened in a public bathroom, but PRIVATE…COME ON NOW….
RULE #4
MAKE SURE YOU HAVE TP!!!!!!!!!! (THIS ALSO GOES FOR MEN AND WOMEN.)

As far as dining and first dates are concerned, it’s probably best not to do dinner on most first dates. Try grabbing drinks in a place where you could also get app’s if hungry or hitting it off. If you’re going to “post, click, and pic,” then make SURE you truthfully list your likes and dislikes…..in a sincere and confident demeanor! And ladies, here’s a tip for you as well. Don’t be a snob and order lobster on a first date, or worse, suck down Johnnie Walker Blue. Also, always be polite and at least offer to pay. (Granted, usually most well-mannered men will never go Dutch!) And MEN, get the toiletries in order and ASK or pick a normal spot to grab a drink! A click and pick does not have to be an interrogation….However are the reasons there aren’t more 2nd and 3rd dates because most singles only know how to “interrogate” instead of being inquisitive through friendly conversation?? Remember: A fist date is NOT a job interview. Sit back, have a drink, and RELAX!

The Shady Look

Oftentimes when out with your friends, you’ll sit there and think to yourself, WHY is my friend socializing with that person; they look like a Heroin addict! Well, when at Rochelle’s 30th birthday party, a cute male friend of hers was associating himself with what looked to be a bimbo you’d see on Hollywood Blvd! We sat there staring and whispering: Is he serious? She’s not pretty…. looks dirtier than a bloated ho with mascara running down her face, who’s still up from the previous night’s festivities and needs to wash her smelly, cigarette-laced locks! Why do some men or women who are groomed, nice, successful, and smart, seem to pick up the trashiest, shadiest looking characters in the place?

What some people don’t seem to “get,” is that other people tend to make assumptions based upon those you’ve been associating with. Seriously, if there’s an attractive man or woman in the room, and all of a sudden they’re seen talking to someone who has more cans of Aqua-Net than he/she does teeth, then most likely Mr. or Miss “hottie” won’t seem like such a hottie after all. While most friends will do their best to get along with their friends’ acquaintances, there are those rare occasions when we ask ourselves, WHY is this person friends with them, or why did my friend approach him or her?

As a Maven, I will say years ago I had a friend whom all my other friends couldn’t stand. Looking back, as we’re no longer friends, I can see exactly why my cronies didn’t like her and thought she was a complete bitch. Men and women, we should all be careful whom we choose to be friends with and whom we pick up. First impressions do matter! Somewhere along the way, someone may have noticed you but failed to approach because of the skanky HO or beer-guzzling lard-ass you were standing and associating with; they were utterly turned off. Next time, be more aware. Have a shot of Cuervo with the cool man or woman checking you out, instead of trying to pick up the dirty hooker who seems as if she’s been snorting lines and shooting needles!

Misrepresentation

From reading thousands of profiles, its frightful how so many sound the same. As your Maven, I suggest everyone should stop writing the same garbage, and BE straightforward and honest to everyone checking you out. If you are more plump than svelte, then SHOW it! If you went from a silky full head of locks to thinning/receding hair, then TAKE OFF your lid. If you need the Maven to OK your profiles and pics before posting, feel free to send! Sometimes the truth is hard to admit, BUT, we MUST stop lying and trying to be something we’re not, or look like we did back in our college years—you know, being that hot promoter that all the chicks wanted or that sorority biatch who most of the men tried to fuck. In later years, you’ll discover what may have looked stunning years ago, IS NOT appealing to your eye today! It’s time to replace the old college pictures with an updated, current, and truthful description of what you’re like today.

But, is the truth to why we often misrepresent ourselves because we’re insecure and unhappy with how we’ve aged, added an extra roll or two, or maybe lost a few hair follicles? Whatever you’re reasons are for hiding the truth we should try and figure out how to be honest. Still though why don’t most men and women understand that nothing is gained from lying and hiding the truth?

Some People Have Perfect Vision

It’s incomprehensible why many pictures posted by men and women are often so old that they date as far back as sorority or frat days. And, when asked for more pics, most of the time the new one(s) will look NOTHING like what was originally posted. Lies are NOT appreciated! However, it’s obvious that most people don’t get this, since many have told me that this keeps happening. Why are so many men and women dishonest? Don’t we get that once the truth is learned, there usually will be no chance of a date, and often any further dialogue will be discontinued? Men and women must STOP writing all the same bullshit. Seriously, most will say they enjoy the movies one night, a decked-out black tie affair the next, and then a night in at home, snuggling under a down blanket with their sweetie; it’s all so generic. Can’t most single, online, dating men and women smarten up, ditch the trite expressions, and write something truthful and catchy; is it that hard to be honest?

Short, Fat, and Balding......Yuck!

Since the style of dating today is by a pic, and a click, you’d sincerely hope that all single men and women would be sincere, not write lies with fabricated stories, or post ancient or old pictures. You’d expect from reading someone’s profile that they would be truthful and honest about who they are. However unfortunately, with many online profiles this is NOT the case!

From thousands of received emails from men, most of which I usually do reply to, curious to see if they're in the market to buy a condo/coop, (my other career), and also to see if they're full of shit or portraying the truth in their profiles, I'll click reply and hit send!

Since many men have validated my profile as being real, and letting me know they think my profile is unique, and one of a kind, (which it is), it’s SO upsetting to discover how many men LIE on their profiles. The lies and exaggerations are so astounding, from stretching the truth about oneself, to lying about their height, air brushing their photos to shed and shrink the extra pounds, to some men wearing a hat to cover their baldness. The fabrications on even their backgrounds never cease to amaze me. Also, some will go so far to BS about their career, where they are from, and what religion they are. Don’t single men and women understand that looks, personality, and telling the TRUTH all matters? Is starting a friendship/or relationship out on lies really the route we should be taking?

Sexual Exclusivity

Most people have been in similar situations like Daniel, and because there are so many transmittable STD’s floating around, we all should consider not exchanging bodily fluids with unknowns, and only fucking one person at a time. As shitty as condoms feel for men, and of course women, if sleeping around undoubtedly the pecker should be sealed! However, if it’s abundantly obvious you’re hot for each other, and keep going back for more rounds, then WHY not try exclusivity? Maybe it’s time we try discovering where our "duo" may or may not go. Who knows we may just get REALLY lucky, be pleasantly surprised, and amazingly happy. However, whatever way we “play,” always remember, and recognize that just because your having sex, fucking, or making love with someone, this "SEX" DOES NOT mean your “relationship is exclusive.” Though, what if just the SEX was exclusive, and we kept "dating"; maybe long term this way is the RIGHT way to see if he, or she, is your soul mate and perfect one?

Just Sex?

In the beginning stages of relationships many of us are SO attracted to who we’re dating that waiting to have sex is sometimes NOT an option. While speaking with Daniel, we were discussing this new girl he met online and was starting to date. However, he clearly expressed to me that by no means were they “exclusive.” I thought to myself, well, how long should one wait until deciding whether or not to be exclusive, AND does having sex often imply that one wants to change the relationship from non-exclusive to exclusive? I tried to figure out what he was thinking and where he was going with this new-found woman, so I blatantly asked him,

“Have you slept with her yet?”
“Maven, nothing like being blunt and cutting right to the chase! Yes, we’ve had sex.”
“And it’s clear to her that you’re not exclusive?”
“Yes.”
“Interesting.....been there myself! Does she or you want to be exclusive?”
“No. At least I don’t, and I don’t think she does.”
“So then you’re both just enjoying each other’s company, and it’s just sex?”
“Well, I’m moving, so I don’t see the need for anything hot and heavy right now. I guess it just is what it is.”

However, while they were out Friday night, she managed to slip in how a friend of hers wanted to introduce her to this guy, and since he had just gotten back from Europe, her friend gave him her number.

“Well, we aren’t exclusive; you should go.”
“Yes, I know. That’s why I felt like I could tell you and it wouldn’t be a big deal. After all, you're dating others too, right?”
“Yes.”

“Dating others,” I thought that means dating....NOT HAVING SEX, DANIEL. Does this girl know you’re banging other chicks? And, is she banging other men? How does that make you feel?

Short...& Not So Sweet!

Since men and women view things very differently, when attending a speed dating event, I decided to focus on WHY certain men may have issues with finding the perfect woman to date. I don’t think men understand how a good first impression often determines whether or not a woman will want to talk to you for more than a minute, show some interest, and if asked, accept a date. Having done speed dating once before, where you have 3 minutes to meet and speak with your “date,” it’s questionable if most men see certain traits about themselves which many women dislike and find unattractive.

For instance, out of the 15 men that I met, when they went to shake my hand, many had SWEATY palms. EWW! This is the worst! Its like, did you just finish jerking off and forget to wash? Come on men, get the sweaty palms under control—please--it’s truly gross shaking someone’s clammy hands! Next were the men whose breath STUNK of Maker’s Mark or Jack on the rocks; it was worse than kissing someone with onion or garlic breath! If you are going to drink liquor that makes your breath reek, then chomp on a stick of gum or purchase a pack of breath mints, and make certain you suck on them. And men, we all know how most of you like to suck! There’s nothing worse when speaking to a guy and their breath smells worse than their sweaty pits. And the icing on the cake was when some of them spoke, their saliva ended up all of you that you feel like you need another shower. And of course, you couldn’t push back quickly enough or blow that whistle to move on to the next man!

Men, I know this sounds harsh, but even if you are the best looking, best dressed, with passion, power and excitement, if these traits are not “tweaked,” I can assure you some woman whom you may have been hot to trot for, if asked out, will hesitate or just turn you down right then and there. So, my Maven advice to all you men out there, MAKE sure you don’t have any of these problems, and IF you do, then find someway to fix them ASAP! As a woman, there’s nothing worse than being around a man with bad breath, sweaty palms, or raining saliva!

Too Caught Up....Blinded?

It’s so frequent and yet rarely understood why some friendships often fade out after marriage. Is it because of the new addition in someone’s life, and their issues with his or her friends? OR, is the truth because one person in the relationship is SO insecure, dominating, and controlling, that you are too naïve and caught up in the relationship to notice this?

It’s often upsetting and disappointing to friends and everyone on the outside to see that the girlfriend or boyfriend, husband or wife, appears to be such a control freak and sometimes will put a wedge between friends and often family. This is a major issue among couples today, and it often causes tension in the relationship and friendships. What most couples don’t get is that they don’t have to LOVE or even be “tight” with each other’s friends or family, but out of respect, shouldn’t they learn to give a little and tolerate your friends? My Maven opinion is YES!

Vanishing Friends

Oftentimes the circumstances of people are different, and therefore opinions on how relationships should be, vary. However, the one thing that should but often doesn’t remain constant is our friendships prior to our relationships. While in Boston for the weekend, my phone rang. It was Ashley. She called to tell me she got engaged. I was so happy for her and eager to congratulate them, and see her bling, that we decided to meet at Starbucks. I knew from our prior conversations that she was going to ask me to be a bride’s maid and I was right, she did ask, and I accepted the bride’s maid position.

Needless to say, I was that bride’s maid that “disappointed” the bride when I told her I couldn’t attend her shower. WELL, you would have thought I was slaying the GROOM. The guilt and grief I got because I had an exam the next day and couldn’t be there was ridiculous! The disappointment she was feeling was exactly how I felt when SHE came into New York and made no effort to get together and see me. Her excuse: too much shopping had to be done…. I’m sure everyone agrees that an exam outweighs the importance of charging on the plastic! Now everyone, please when in a relationship or getting hitched, make sure you don’t drop your friends like flies with no vocalized reason after you say your, “I Do’s”…especially those friends you felt close enough to, to ask them to be in your wedding.

FACT: MEN and WOMEN, LISTEN UP....If asked, YES, it’s a honor to be in a groomsman or bride’s maid in your friend’s wedding, BUT bride and groom, please don’t expect too much from your wedding party, and DON’T kill your friends and cop an attitude if there are legitimate reasons they can’t attend every pre or post-wedding bash. If you feel close enough that you asked them to be in your wedding, THEN make sure when married to KEEP your friendships solid, and not vanish and disappear out of your friends’ lives leaving them wondering, did I say, or do something?

Jealousy.....OR Insecurity?

It’s quite amusing and disturbing to watch people change, and observing how different they start acting when a new “prospect” enters their life. Just because someone starts to date, move in, or marry, does NOT mean that they should stop having lives of their own or abandon their friends. Why, though, can’t we have both…..A life with a lover and our lives with our friends?

It’s hard to understand why certain people conform to others, and often vanish from our lives. An old friend of mine, Ashley, acted this way. We were friends through thick and thin and never betrayed each other. After both of our relationships ended and we were single, her singleness didn’t last for long. Within months she found a new man, and I was pretty confident he was here to stay.

Within the first year of their dating, I moved to NYC, but we still remained close. When I came home I’d usually make the effort to try and get together. FACT: Like relationships, friendships are also two way streets. Shockingly though, one Saturday when strutting Pasha, who did I bump SMACK into? Ashley and Ross, my “so called” close friends, who came into the city and made no effort to see me. After all, it doesn’t take that long to grab a quick cup of coffee. Is Bergdorf’s SO important that seeing your friend, even for a moment, can’t be squeezed in?

Of course it bothered me that she didn’t make any effort to get together. Since I never had ANY issues with Ross, and didn’t think he had any with me I couldn’t understand why we weren’t getting together. However, in due time it became apparent that he was trying to monopolize my friend. I wondered if maybe he was just insecure of their relationship, or if he was just a dominating and a controlling type, or was it just that he didn’t want her having any friends other then HIM. Or, did he feel just feel threatened that her friends may take her away from him? It was so unclear…but then again, to an “outsider” observing the relationship, OH SO CLEAR. Why often, when in relationships, does may one neglect to see how the other is trying to manipulate and control the other, and the relationship, when it’s so obvious to everyone else what’s really happening?

Dropped Like a Fly....WHY?

My phone rings last night. It was my close married friends, Elena and Alan, all fired up and on a rampage.
“I cannot believe who we ran into at Capital Grille,” I hear Alan scream in the background.
“Put Alan on the phone. What is going on; why are you all fired up?”
“Well, did you ever run into an old friend from childhood whose wedding you were in, were best friends with for years, but as soon as he, or she became ‘hitched,’ you were flushed away quicker than shit? And, unexpectedly, 10 years later you run into them?” I chuckled…
“Yes!” It’s unfortunate I explained to Alan. But worse is when there’s no “legitimate” reason why you and your friend stopped speaking.

Having experienced similar situations where friends became obsolete, I related to Alan. It’s a sad commentary when some of your SO-called friends meets a guy, or girl, and become WHIPPED way more than “Land o Lakes!” Your friendship quickly comes to a halt, and you’re instantly dropped out of their life. It’s as if they were never friends with you or even knew you. Complete eviction…Why?

Friends shouldn’t go dropping friends; it’s NOT the right thing to do. After all, you were friends way before this other walked into your life, and who’s to say that this new interest or infatuation will last? There’s no reason why someone has to choose: an s.o. over “friends.” After all, most of us know that good friends will be there through thick and thin. But often when we’ve removed ourselves from friendships and act like a complete assholes, we’ll sometimes realize that this new fling isn’t for us, and the picture as to why your friends didn’t like this new man is finally clear. This isn’t to say we should always listen to our friends, but we also shouldn’t go ditching them for the hottie down the block. Often there comes a time when you’ll try going back to your friend, explaining how stupid you were, and plea for their forgiveness. Will they accept your remorse and take you back as their friend?

If a friendship is important, then it shouldn’t be treated like a roller coaster. We shouldn’t only expect to ride when single and bored, with no plans. And just because something better sometimes comes along, and often we may THINK it’s the best thing to hit since losing our virginity and having our cherry popped, we shouldn’t go ditching our friends. Why do so many friends pull this shit? And, why do some significant others make it so hard to remain friends with certain people?

Just.....APPROACH!

Certain “looks” given between many men and women are priceless. It’s just as entertaining as “people watching.” But, why do we catch a look, and then often still shift our eyes? We’ve all been or on a date where someone’s ADD kicks in, and they start looking in every direction but at you. You sit there and wonder: Why am I even here? Maybe he’s just not that attracted to me and therefore feels there’s no need to focus. But whether or not you’re attracted to someone, many of us would probably agree that when you’re with someone, not paying attention to them is rude. But then again, it could just be the old ADD kicking in! Or, maybe they’re just insecure, and until he/she gets to know you, focusing isn’t their strong suit. (Here’s a tip: Men, learn to FOCUS and stop texting, and WOMEN, if you are looking for the next best beautiful thing to walk through the door, STOP--it’s SO rude!) No matter how we want to define, analyze, and determine what a “look” that’s given means, don’t be such a puss… Try saying “HI!” After all, there’s nothing wrong with using the old, “Oh, you look familiar; do I know you from college, or is it Equinox?” Come on men and women, put yourself out there! Eating dinner alone or hanging with the boys every night can become quite boring. Isn’t it better to be hard as a rock or sopping wet over filet mignon and a glass of Chianti with your favorite honey?

Let the Maven attest to that fact that I’ve been out where I’ve given and gotten looks, all with many different outcomes. Go ahead and try the approach; test the temperatures. What is the worst that could happen? After all, there’s a good possibility that he/she will be so flattered and into you that you can both “bang” into oblivion. Or, maybe you’ll have your introductions, grab a drink, and mosey on your merry way making sure to tell him or her to read your Blog! Any of those outcomes, in my Maven mind, isn’t losing. However, the possibility of gaining something you don’t have is always appealing. In any event, is there really anything wrong with approaching someone who catches your eye?

What’s in a “LOOK?”

Countless times when I am out and about, I've caught someone either giving me, or someone else, "the look." But, heaven forbid that the person giving me "the look" would even THINK to approach me regardless of where I am, whether BY MYSELF or amongst others. However, there is one exception to this general course of in-action: if cute Pasha is strutting beside me and a guy gives me "the look," the dog becomes the perfect excuse to stop and chat. The question presented: Do men need excuses to approach and talk to a woman they find attractive?

We all know if we’re at the gym, and spot a firm tight ass or buffed chest it is SO hard trying not to stare. But why will most people only give the “look,” with no approach? Maybe there’s that legitimate reason such as, you've just hopped off the Stairmaster and think that being all smelly and dripping wet doesn't exactly make for a perfect introduction. Or, is the truth really that approaching someone after a few drinks is much easier than when sober? Many may think it’s easier to approach what your eye spies when you’re in a sea of bodies in a club, hidden amongst the dim lights and blaring music, versus the fluorescent lighting in the gym exposing the full glory of your cellulite and sweaty pits. But, what all of us should understand is that, some men and women are sometimes shy and have trouble breaking the ice. So, the dark lighting and a few cocktails maybe the cure all some of us need! But, beware, after several glasses of wine, or six martinis, this can make someone who’s not so glamorous look way more appealing!

However, some think that the “look” will usually imply that there is chemistry or that we find someone attractive. BUT, are we just assuming that “looks” are always positive? Or, is it actually that the “look” was given in a negative way, as if to say, why are you dressed like a grandmother, and why is your belly so fat that you insist on wearing such tight Seven jeans or lycra Wolford tops with your rolls flopping out? OR is the look given purely as a means of checking someone out and a desire to aspire to their sense of fashion? Or, are looks just that, looks?

THE SILENT LOOK

He was tall with a full head of thick brown hair and blue eyes: good looking and toned. As many times as we’ve given each other the “look,” words were never said. One night while out in the city, I spotted my mystery guy, looking even hotter than he did when he was all sweaty and dripping in his mesh shorts and t shirt. Being that I don’t have a shy bone in my body, and he gave me the “look” as if to say, “I know…I know you from somewhere,” I slowly approached him. Yes, WOMEN, sometimes it’s ok to approach a guy. After all, if most guys want to act as if chivalry is dead or if they simply won’t take the leap, then I really don’t see the big problem in approaching. “Hey, you go to Equinox, right?” He laughed, “Yup! Can I get you a drink?” I smiled. Why when in certain atmospheres does conversation come so easy, but then in others seems next to impossible?

EYE CANDY

When speaking with a male friend of mine, Maverick about the type of girl he wants, likes, and is attracted to, he told me, “I can say anyone is nice, smart, and hardworking, would make a great mother, and friend. BUT, I cannot say that even if a girl has all these amazing qualities that I would want to jump all over her, wine, dine and 69 with her, or spend the rest of my life with her. Maven, I need the physical attraction, and if it’s not there, I don’t care how nice she is or if she’s the daughter of Bill Gates; I’m NOT interested.” WOW, I thought to myself; quite the bold statement.

Has society put such an emphasis on looks that it’s overpowering the way we go about choosing our mates? Are most single men so caught up in physical beauty that other characteristics in a woman are overlooked? And are men just picking a woman for the knockers she has? Will many women just settle for a guy who isn’t so good looking because what she’s really looking for is, to get married, have babies, and is mostly concerned with finding a good provider? But, why does it appear that looks are so important to so many men, but less important to many women (especially once they’ve started freaking about their biological clocks tick-talking away)? Are most men more superficial than women, or are women just as superficial, but in other ways?

Having experienced meeting and dating all types of men, where many were met online and totally lied about their physical appearance, I will say that physical attraction is critical from the get go, and throughout the whole relationship. As a modern-day woman, it’s apparent that MEN need SEX, but most WOMEN do too! However, men thrive off of it, salivate and talk constantly about it, and will tend to be that DOG in heat that humps at any given opportunity. And most men will put an emphasis on sex way more then most women. Unfortunately it’s apparent and quite sad that many women live, and lead their lives by their biological clock. Even though they may have envisioned landing that chic, stylish, full head of hair, tall and dark, sexy hung stallion, there comes a point where beauty or a large pecker isn’t as important to them. Does this mean women should settle if there is less physical attraction and the attraction of carrying a bun in the oven is factoring into their decisions? Or, if you do end up with the guy who only had ½ of what you really wanted but gave you a flawless ring and put your fertility qualms at ease, in the end will he make you truly happy and content? Or, will there always be that passion and heat missing, leaving you feeling lonely, sexually deprived, and unfulfilled inside?

Have men become the smarter of the single sexes? Do most men think their “equipment” allows them to be perpetual baby-makers? Since most aren’t looking for a woman to support them, do they have the advantage to remain single and be players? Are most women searching for their Freudian father-figure where they have the picturesque image of the nice house with the white picket fence? Is contentment always the way to go? To me, being content means one has settled, and this isn’t always the best direction to take.

As we back through time, we’ll tend to see and find the same things....wars had been started over beautiful women...look at the Helen of the Trojan War....kingdoms were broken up over attractive women.... Mark Anthony and Cleopatra...religion was discarded because of lust and attraction… Sampson and Delilah… Henry the VIII (who in the 14th century established his own church in England so he could be granted a divorce...(which of course still is affecting us today, as there is still religious strife in countries such as Ireland). Have we all forgotten what deep love and passion is all about? Is everything now just purely focused on doing the “deed” only to fulfill our raging sex drives? Have the values of yester-year been compleately warped, and most men are just focusing too much on the beauty that was obsessed way before Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet? Which way is the right way to go? Is there a right way?

Well, Miss Maven would like to clue all of you in. Whether your attraction is found because of looks, money, materialistic possessions, or intellect, the two most important and obvious pieces of a person are looks and personality. They both go hand and hand, and are equally necessarily to make for a dynamic relationship. Women should try holding out for that special one, and not settling just because their biological alarm clocks are about to go off, or because they feel pressure from everyone surrounding them. And guys, let your eyes wonder, and if you happen to be fortunate enough to meet a unique person with character, who’s sexy and fun, and great in bed, DON’T FUCK IT UP and DO NOT let her slip away!

PART III: IS THERE A RESOLUTUON...OR, SOLUTION?

Oftentimes when in a relationship you may automatically assume that just because it’s a weekend, you’re doing something together. But, when plans are casually mentioned and not confirmed, the assumption of having plans with miscommunication often will lead to disappointments, arguments, and let downs when one isn’t on the same page as the other. WHY do so MANY men have trouble making definite plans, communicating them, and worse, following up? Why do they sometimes say, or hint, “Oh, let’s plan to meet up later that night or in the week,” and usually never end up coming through and leave a woman guessing. Don’t men understand that most women, when liking a guy, look forward to seeing him? Why do men even suggest plans when they can’t seem to follow through? Why are men so lackadaisical? Don’t men know most women get SO pissed off and irritated by this behavior? Many women may start to think a man is just all talk…. and anyone smart knows talk is cheap! Why often will men enthusiastically mention meeting up, and then completely blow off plans, never follow up, and worse, if you the girl, take the initiative to confirm so you don’t have to keep wondering what lingerie to where, he’ll say, “going out with my “boys” and doesn’t even invite you to join. Women just don’t understand how a man can’t follow through. When chemistry, connection, friendship, and attraction are all there, and it’s quite obvious that both of you are clicking, then one would think that as a man wouldn’t you want to try and snag and get to know this seemingly great woman, and at the very least see her enough to see if your feelings will remain the same after getting to know her? Why imply that you wanted to do something and then pull out, was it cold feet, or something else? WHY can men make and keep plans with their “boys” and not us women? Don’t they know finding a girl isn’t easy, and if you are lucky to find one you connect with on many levels then it’s time to ditch the stupid high school games? Why constantly wait until the LAST minute to ask to someone to do something and worse if have a set date, cancel and disappoint? Don’t most men realize contacting someone last minute for a date, or to cancel, is RUDE? Don’t men understand by acting like this it may leave most women and/or friends feeling slightly ticked off? Why can’t most man wake up and stop acting like morons, cut the shit, and stop behaving this way?

Well, I sympathized with Chase. Her situation with Kevin totally sucked! I know how much she cares about Kevin, and this is only the real issue she has but, as we ALL know…ISSUES that don’t get resolved and nipped in the bud usually will escalate into unneeded tension.

“Chase, my close and spectacular friend, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But, let me clue you in on this, truth be told, for one reason or another MOST MEN CANNOT make plans or commit. It’s a HUGE problem, and sadly there are VERY few men that are perfect and have impeccable ‘Ritz Carlton’ manners along with exquisite taste. I learned a LONG time ago from my ex boyfriend, Marc, NEVER assume you are doing something with someone unless asked and confirmed. Even if and when a guy hints, asks, or says to you to “let’s meet up,” or invites you on a date, NEVER set your expectations, or hopes so high because that day or night may possibly come where you may never hear from him, or he ends up contacting you and, flaking out. But when you do have feelings for someone, but something is holding you back or interfering like, age, timing, distance, finances, baggage, or possibly all your other friends are single, and all of this maybe causing you to be wishy washy: Then, maybe you should try taking a risk to find, and figure out where this relationship could go, and stop making excuses and being cowardly. After all there’s really nothing to lose, and who knows, you may end up being pleasantly surprised!”

Chase fully agreed with my theory and diagnosis even though she was still annoyed which, I COMPLETELY understood. After all, this wasn’t the first time Kevin pulled this crap. Being that she’s repeatedly discussed her feelings with him, of how doing things last minute without informing her bothers her, it still keeps happening. We both shrugged our shoulders and laughed, and kept on repeating, “We just don’t understand what’s so hard about guys making plans.”

From speaking with many women about why men can’t commit to plans, even if something feels so right they still don’t try. The majority have all agreed based on their varied experiences that most men are all talk and usually no follow through even if at one time or another a hole in one was shot. After all, if you can get in the hole once, then what’s the problem with being consistent--especially when deep down you know and feels that connection?

However, whether or not single, dating, or in a relationship, having plans with friends, mates, parents, or spouses, if plans are made, or tentatively mentioned, they should never be “assumed.” They should though ALWAYS be confirmed, and marked down so there is no disappointment, overlap, or miscommunication. It’s always better to ask, than to wonder, unless of course you are scared of the truth, and the possibility of not seeing this person leaves you to wonder what he, or she is really thinking, and doing. “Is he, or isn’t he into you?” Why do most men send mixed signals? Why can’t they wise up and go back to the way things were in the Victorian era of acting, looking, and being like respectable polished ladies and gents?

PART II: THE ANALYSIS

I hung up the phone and thought to myself…..Hmmm….Most women will agree that “CHICKS” can almost always get the calendar out and make a clear-cut plan when asked to do something and are likely to confirm hours before meeting. However, if they’re going to be late, most women will usually call or text to let you know they’re going to be tardy. Why though is it that MOST MEN have problems making definite plans? Is it because often some men get scared and may think that if they make, and keep plans they’ll automatically assume the woman is SO into them that she’s thinking about the wedding before even going on a second date? Do men ever take the time to actually think that maybe she’s just looking forward to a fun night with someone she recently met, felt a connection and chemistry with, and just wants to casually see where things may go? After all, finding someone where almost everything fits isn’t always an easy task and no matter at what stage of life you are in, as long as each person has stability, why not test the waters -- do you really have anything to lose? HOWEVER, what’s really horrible is when some men do make plans, and more often than not, they think it’s ok to confirm 30 to 60 minutes before meeting as opposed to confirming before 2pm and being considerate and polite! Men, SMARTEN UP, advanced confirmation is preferred!

Since Chase and I can and did make plans, we met at Starbucks, got a quick tea, and both looked at each other and said, “You up for some shopping and schmeying around?” We both smiled and nodded, hell ya, always up for a trip to Saks!

Chase is in a relationship and contemplating whether or not to pull the trigger and move in with Kevin. I thought to myself, they’ve been dating long enough that if she’s being indecisive about moving in with him there must be some issue. As we were catching up, I was giving her “Jewish guilt” about not being able to do a girl’s night out.

“Ok, spill it, enough of the bull shit. Let the ‘Maven’ hear what’s going on and WHY you can’t do a girl’s night and what’s really holding you back from moving in with Kevin? Why are you being so iffy and indecisive? This isn’t like you!” This unintentionally opened up a can of worms and Chase began to vent.

“Ha! You are funny and VERY perceptive, too. You can always tell when I’m annoyed! Bottom line is, it’s how Kevin goes about making plans, and the fact that he can’t make definite plans is really annoying and bothersome to me. It’s gotten to the point that it’s getting under my skin worse than a frustrating, un-popable blemish!” I laughed!

“What? What do you mean he can’t make plans? But…you said you two had plans tonight.”
“Yes, we do, BUT we spoke briefly on Thursday about Saturday night, and he told me he spoke to his cousins who asked to get together with us but he never ‘set it in stone’ and instead left the plans up in the air. Why he does this, I don’t know. I told him you were coming into town and that Saturday night I wanted to do something with you if we weren’t going to do something with them. But the reason why I couldn’t tell you until today is because yesterday when I told him I was going to do something with you tomorrow night, he freaked and blurted out, “WHAT, we have plans with my cousins.”

“Well, this started a whole argument and boy did we have words! I reiterated the conversation we had THURSDAY morning about the POSIBILITY of doing something with his cousins Saturday night, but he never bothered to let me know that he did in fact make definite plans with them. I scorned him for not confirming the plans with me or checking to see if I was still free. I’m pissed because this is a reoccurring pattern with him. I’m starting to question whether I want to consistently keep being annoyed and frustrated by him. It’s not that I cared if we were doing something; it’s the FACT that he always waits until last minute to tell me he’s made plans. You’ve know me forever; I can make a plan the day before, follow through, or tell anyone in advance giving ample notice that I’m not free. BUT, for some reason, and like the majority of men, HE CAN’T make, confirm, and inform me of any plans he’s made…it’s driving me NUTS! I just don’t know what to do.”

I dropped my head down, rolled my eyes and saw Chase was quite frustrated and disturbed by the lack of communication with her Beau, like any woman would be.

PART I: THE PROBLEM

Since text messaging and emails are today the preferred forms of communication for singles and couples, is this new fad overpowering the ability for meaningful communication? Oftentimes, when writing and sending messages via email or text, things that are written and were intended to be interpreted one way are often misinterpreted. Why is this? Is it because you don’t hear the tone, or perhaps the wording is unclear? Perhaps the text was interpreted negatively, or is it the fact that a text or email is so informal that sometimes what is written is often perceived differently as opposed to face-to-face “speech.” When you’re talking to someone, it’s usually pretty clear from their tone and the progression of the conversation what the person is saying, how they’re coming across, and there is less of a chance of miscommunication. Perhaps we’re blaming modern conveniences for an age old problem and we’re using texts and emails as scapegoats, when in reality it’s merely a tool utilized by a person who just does not want to commit. Is this the underlying truth: People have forgotten how to make the effort?

Since I was coming home for the weekend, and I wanted to see my spunky sisterly-like friend, Chase on Monday, I shot her a text to see if she wanted to grab a bite or a few drinks Saturday night. She responded, “I need to get back to you because Kevin [the boyfriend] mentioned something to me about doing something Saturday night, but he hasn’t confirmed with me yet.” I told Chase to let me know, (it’s no biggie either way), and that I’d ring her Thursday on my way back to Boston to confirm. “Ok, sounds great, can’t wait to see you!”

While waiting for the plane to leave on Thursday, I phoned Chase.

“Yo!”
“Hey!”
“I’m at the airport heading in. What’s your deal for Saturday night; are we on?”
“I still don’t know. Kevin hasn’t firmed up with me, which I’m SO annoyed about because I want to see you. He mentioned having plans with his cousins Saturday night, but I haven’t gotten a solid answer whether or not we are seeing them.”
“Well Chase, for heaven’s sake, when the fuck is he going to inform you, or are you just going to sit like a duck and wait? Oye, give a sista a break, I’m dying to see you!”
Chase laughed in the phone…“I know, I know…You have no idea what a constant battle it is for him to commit to plans, and on those rare occasions he does make them, he neglects to inform me ahead of time. It’s a real issue! We’ll discuss it more when I see you! How’s Saturday during the day, can I pencil you in?”
“Yup, sounds great.”
“How about we meet 1pm, Starbucks on Newbury?”
“Ok, sounds delectable!…The plane door is shutting; I need to shut off my phone. Can’t wait to see you Saturday, Bye.”

Change....Are You In or Are You Out?

When do you grow up, see that your tastes in men or women have changed, and realize that those qualities you used like and be attracted to have changed? What made them change? Did you change? Did your habits, outlook on yourself and your life all change? Well, looking back to high school, then college, and now into my adulthood years, I start to see that not only are the things that I’m looking for in a mate different form what they once were, but it seems as if many other people’s tastes in men and women have also changed. Thinking back to your college days, remembering the hot Mr. GQ frat boy who ran the door at one of the hottest spots, and was also was someone who you once dreamt about naked, if met today, wouldn’t be someone you’d even consider dating, and the only thing you’d make sure of would be politely introducing yourself (and bat your eyelashes) so you’ll never have to wait in any peasant lines again, but instead be privileged enough to slip past that annoying velvet, red rope!

However, if met later in life--if you weren’t of similar backgrounds—even though he may have been hot with a decent job, this wouldn’t ever be someone you’d even give a second thought to about wanting to date. But why is this? Is it because as we grow up and we view people differently, depending on theirs and our various circumstances? Is that club guy with the hot bod and looks who’s only making $20 an hour plus the cash earned from being “duked” on a good Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night going to be able to pay for your child’s private school tuition to Philips Exeter? Seeing the whole picture of someone and separating and seeing what long term issues could arise, isn’t always easy to do. But as your tastes change, you start to realize that the characteristics which used to be an automatic turn on have now quickly switched to dim or just turned off. What you thought you had liked and found so attractive in your earlier years becomes less and less appealing as you’ve gotten older and interacted with many types of people and different personalities. When reality hits, and starts kicking and biting at you along with that little voice inside that doesn’t stop reminding you that even though he may have seemed sexy back in the day, today your perspective has changed, and you clearly see and know that he’s actually not right for you. Thinking long term, you ask yourself: “Do you really want your spouse or significant other to be “checking ID’s” and working a door?” As you move into your mid 20’s and 30’s, and think back upon all the men or women who have walked into and out of your life, all with various backgrounds and qualities, you think if only you could take something that you liked from each person you dated or met, and piece each ingredient into a full recipe, you would have the perfect man. Unfortunately though, this is MUCH easier thought and said than done!

Being out a few weeks ago with some of my single girl and guy friends, where the only thing they all had in common was me, it was very entertaining watching them interact with each other. Of course though, before they had all met, each friend constantly kept asking, are your friends “hot,” good bods…any blonde? And I must admit, it wasn’t so much the girls questioning or asking about looks as it was the guys…..WHY? Why were my “boys” so worried about my “girls” looks when, for once, I wasn’t even trying to play “matchmaker?” The night was just supposed to be a fun meet-up for drinks, possibly ending up with some newly-formed friendships, and maybe even a date for the lucky ones. I thought to myself, “Can’t my guys just go out with little or no expectations, and maybe an unexpected surprise will occur and they’ll be attracted to some chick with a brain, or other positive attribute, even if she’s not their normal type, a typical, dumb “blonde”? Why can’t they just go out, not ask so many questions, and look forward to a chill, fun night with no planned or intended marriages to take place? Well, easier thought than DONE!

Several drinks later when the alcohol was quickly entering the horny blood streams of my friends, no more questions were being asked, such as if one was carrying an extra few pounds, had thinning hair, was tall or short, or brunette or blonde. Instead, it was obvious moves were being made and several friends were being hit on. Quite amusing it was and also very mind boggling to see how after a few pops and being surrounded by too much testosterone and estrogen, minds let loose, vision became blurred, and cheeks started to blush! Being friends with them all and knowing how sexually frustrated most of my boys were, what wasn’t supposed to be an evening of matchmaking was slowly starting to turn, and the boys were putting on their moves! But, what most girls are able to figure out and see real quick is, if some guy that she is “in to,” takes her bait, and is actually into her. BUT, why is it that some men, after persistently trying to rub their hard dicks up against a girl on the dance floor and shove some tongue down her throat, just don’t realize and “get” when a woman is, or is not, sexually “in to you?” Just because a guy may get so turned on and hard from all the innocent dancing doesn’t in any way mean her feelings are the same or she is as turned on and wet for you. Why don’t some men understand or get this, when it all seems quite obvious? Are they just too drunk, stupid, and horny to see that a woman may just be using them for their slick dance moves and their paid-for table and bottles?

That night it was quite clear to me, even after drinking, that a couple of my girls were NOT into my boys and they made this VERY clear. Though, as clear as it was to ME and some others watching, WHY didn’t the guy stop pushing himself on the girl, lighten up, have fun, and get the vibe that she’s just not “into you” like that? Why though, even when the woman makes it perfectly clear that she’s just hanging out and having fun, certain men just don’t “get it?” And, why do most women seem to “get it” while most men, don’t, or so it appeared that night!

THE BRUNCH

Colby and I couldn’t get out of bed quick enough and race down to the brunch. Not only were we dying for carbs to soak up all the booze from the night before, but we were also dying to find out how Alex’s night really “ended!”

I threw on my Juicy suit quicker than Colby could put on his sox.

“U Ready?”
“Yup!”
Great, let’s go. I need coffee and food, BAD!

Quite to our surprise, Alex and Jordan were already at brunch, laughing and feasting away. I didn’t know whose plate was fuller! Colby and I looked at each other, smirked, and in our under-breath voices murmured, “Guess those two woke up with quite the appetites!” We wondered, did all the arguing lead to them having a make up and hook up ending? Hmmm…..

We made our plates and joined them at the table. I sat next to Alex, and my nephew and the boys sat on the opposite side.

“So, guess you’re back to ‘speaking’ and voices and smiles instead of bitterness.” Alex and Jordan both glanced at each other--yes, the problem was resolved prior to our “nite, nites!” Alex kicked me hard under the table and pushed her hand into my leg. YUP, that was the sign I needed and was waiting for…THEY HOOKED UP! I looked at Colby and smirked and gave him a quick nod with my head to settle his curiosity; he smiled back. To say the least, it was definitely an interesting brunch!

After we all stuffed our faces and popped some Advil, we hung in the lobby to say all our “good byes” to all of the out of town guests. The boys went off to catch a glimpse of the Pats game, and I was about to have the “talk” with Alex to find out in DETAIL how the night really ended.

Men, let me clue you in. MOST women talk like most of you MEN! However, always know when it comes to sisters or best girlfriends, they will ALWAYS confide in each other. Word to the wise, be careful who you tell what to, because even though you may THINK someone will keep their mouth shut, sometimes unforeseen repercussions may happen. Being that Alex was my sister, telling me wasn’t going to be an issue!

“So? Do tell sista!”
“Well, we argued a little more, sat in 10 minutes of silence while we both got changed in to our jamies, and washed up and brushed, and then I sparked a J which broke the tension and silence. Jordan kept apologizing and admitting he was wrong and said even though we fought, he was happy he got to be my date and was extremely sorry. “Then, we both were ravenous and thirsty, so we picked up and dialed room service for burgers and water!

“After we stuffed our faces, laughed and gossiped a little about the party and some of the guest’s outrageous outfits, we hit the King-sized bed. Needless to say, he’s a great kisser and very cuddly.”

“Alex, SHUT UP. Did you or did you not do the deed? I want to know. NOW, YES OR NO? I could care less if you two spoon well together, how was the SEX?”

She screamed and turned blushing red, “IT WAS OUTSTANDING, and I slept like a baby afterwards.”

Haha, we both started to laugh! “Good, Good for you. You were WAY overdue! And we both know that having sex with a friend usually makes for a great night!”

That night between Alex and Jordan was never discussed or brought up again. No real relationship ever came other than several long weeks of not seeing or hearing from Jordan. After about a month of not speaking, which was starting to bother Alex more and more, she kept wondering if he was weirded out or may think they can’t go back to the way things were before they slept together. Alex decided that she had nothing to lose, so she shot Jordan a “what’s up” email. This started their dialogue again, which made her happy.

October 12th came and went, along with their night that got buried at the Copley Fairmont. Months and years have gone by, and each now has moved on to new relationships and endeavors, but they’re still friends today.

Why though, when friends sometimes end up hooking up, whether once or several times, and nothing more becomes of it, why isn’t what happened discussed ever again? Is leaving it alone with the possibility of asking yourself, WHY, and leaving your mind to wonder a good thing? If you can be intimate together, then why doesn’t something more get entertained? Or, does it just all revert back to maybe you two are just in lust and only sexually compatible? Or, is the real reason, that you are just scared to take that next step?

As the years go on, there may be days that pass by when you ask yourself, why didn’t you mention anything back then? Could it have been more, and you lost your chance by not taking that risk and throwing it out there for discussion? Looking back, maybe that person was your perfect mate, and because you let your timidness stand in your way for whatever reason you had, you now sit, still single and with unanswered questions and probably will never know his or her real thoughts. Is taking a risk and possibly being rejected such a bad thing when you really had nothing to begin with? In the end, I guess if you have unanswered questions, which aren’t much, as we know feelings really don’t know right from wrong, then I suppose there really isn’t anything to lose by having the chat and finding out the truth.

APPROPRIATE....OR IMMATURE?

October 12th was here, the Saturday of the Bar Mitzvah. My whole family all reserved rooms at the Copley Fairmont, since we’d all be sure to be a little tipsy after party and all the kiddies, and probably the married adults, would be soundly tucked into their beds. So, Alex, Jordan, Colby, and I had made certain to discuss our “after party” plans, and all agreed that as soon as the clock struck Midnight and the cake was served, we’d hit the “open” bar for one last drink, say our good-byes, mosey on out in our black tie outfits, and hit a club for last call!

However, being that I had Colby, and Alex we knew wanted Jordan, when his drunken mouth started slurring, “Oh man, I can’t wait to see Adrienne, this hot waitress I met last weekend,” the tension was as thick as Aunt Emma’s braided challah. Now, most people know that if you go to a lavish affair with a date, it’s rude to “ditch” that person before attending the family brunch the next morning. After all, it’s just one night! Instead of thinking about your own wants and needs, sometimes you have to know how to forget about your dick and just make sure to do the right thing and put the other person first.

We end up at Sugar, although after hearing about Jordan’s potential post-party hook-up, my sister was “fit to be tied.” We step out of the car, and man did she let him have it! We hardly survived one drink at Sugar when the fighting between her and Jordan escalated, and the four of us quickly ended up back in a cab straight to the Copley Fairmont.

“I can’t believe that after such a nice evening you can even think to treat me like this; are you serious, Jordan? Did your parents bring you up this way, being disrespectful and RUDE?” I look at Colby and wince, uh oh, here she goes in full force; Jordan is in for an ear full!
“I can’t believe after such an entertaining, fun, and great evening, you had the audacity to pull this shit! What the hell were you thinking with some waitress bimbo?” Alex let out one of her “I can’t believe what an ass you are” sighs.
“I mean, do what you want when you’re alone, but with me, and my sister, and Colby there? Are you SERIOUS?”

“I’m so sorry Alex. I really am. “I wasn’t thinking.”
“Jordan, you NEVER think, that’s your PROBLEM.”
“We aren’t a couple, and I didn’t know it was going to upset you like this.”
“Sorry? PLEASE Jordan, GROW the FUCK UP.”

The cab finally approached the hotel; it was the shortest ride and then again felt like it took forever! Colby and I just kept looking at each other and rolling our eyes, knowing that my sister had a point. Think about it, you ask someone to accompany you to a family event, spend the whole night with her family, sister, and her sister’s boyfriend, and as soon as it’s over, you act like a complete asshole and pretend for it to just be another night of you and your immature behavior…..Really, even Colby felt Jordan was being a dick and doing the wrong thing. Drunk or not, he should’ve had enough respect for Alex, as a FRIEND, and realized he was there to hang and be with her for the entire night, whether at the hotel party or after. It’s not like Alex was saying she wanted to “date” him or even “hook up” with him. Okay, maybe she was thinking and hoping, but all she really wanted was for her date to actually be a gentleman and finish the night as planned, with her, instead of having to bring in a 5th wheel--the waitress--last minute because he was horny and drunk! Is getting your drunken self some action more important than being a true FRIEND and doing the right thing?

Well, back in the lobby, I said my good nights to Alex and Jordan, and we went our separate ways back to our rooms, and beds. Colby and I took bets; will they keep arguing until one or each other passes out? Will they stop speaking and maybe smoke a joint, get the munchies, order room service, and then pass out? Or, will they keep going at it while sparking a J, order $20 over priced burgers from room service, say their piece, try to pass out, but hook up instead, maybe even realizing neither thought to bring a condom? Well, guess our minds would have to wonder until the eleven a.m. brunch! Man did Colby and I wish we were flies on the wall. Oh well, we went to our room and chose to forget about them and start focusing back on us!

However, many women and men, when asked to attend an event, sometimes have the hope of a private little after-part for two to finish out the evening. Maybe this “hidden agenda” is not on the mind of both parties, but like Alex and Jordan, when you sign yourself up to be someone’s date, the polite things to do is act appropriately, like a gentleman (or a lady)! Whether or not you may have wanted more, at least have enough respect for whom you came with to be their SOLE date for the duration of the evening! Oftentimes, when people drink, events and expectations become exaggerated. But no matter how intoxicated you may get, you should always remember being respectful and not always putting yourself first is the proper thing to do. Thinking back, how many countless evenings was something wrong said, or done? As a Maven and woman, I can say Grey Goose can sometimes have a weird after effect if something or someone is to set you off. My advice for the women: start drinking champagne, and for you men, stop drinking 10 Gooses on the rocks, and instead try watering them down with some tonic or soda!

A DATE....OR, MORE?

Text goes off on the phone. It was Jordan, change of plans, no Mantra.
“Let’s meet at Rumor, we have a table there, ok?”
“Hey guys, Jordan wants us to meet him at Rumor instead. Okay with you?”
“Yup!” Alex replies, “See you in 5 minutes.” The fun is about to start; after all, we’ve already had good eats and drinks, and now the party was only going to get better. I thought to myself, “I hope he says yes; she’d be so psyched, and relieved!”

We gave the Rover to the Valet, cut the line (thanks to Theo and George at the door), and spotted Jordan in the VIP section--gotta love the no line, and VIP pimped-out table we had. Bottles were brought over and drinks were being poured. I saw Alex out of the corner of my eye starting to approach Jordan. Quickly swaying over so I could hear their conversation, I decided to be the nosey big sister and eaves drop while Alex made her move.
“So Jordan, what are you doing October 12th?”
He looked at her, smiled, and replied, “Geez Alex, that’s far away for me to even think where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing.”
“Well, I have my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah and need a date, want the job?”
“SURE! I’d love to be your date; after all, at least you and I will be the best dancers there, can’t wait! Looking forward to it!” A big smile appeared all over Alex’s face; she was as happy as a girl or some guys in the shoe department at Bergdorf’s scoring a pair of Prada’s ½ off!

Alex runs over to me, “I know, he said, Yes. I could see your face light up and hear an ounce or two of the conversation! Ok, but now we need to forget about a night that is 3 months away and have fun here and now. Pour me another Veuve, please!” The rest of the night was a bit of a blur between the drinks and dancing, but it ended with us dropping Jordan off and Alex going home solo but in Bar-Mitzvah-date-bliss!

I’m sure Alex wondered what was going through Jordan’s mind like most girls do. Was he thinking the invite was going to be just an entertaining and amusing night, or was there more into her asking him than met the eye? But as many women and men may have more feelings than either knows, it’s anyone’s guess what the other is thinking. Why though, if feelings are there, won’t the man or woman come clean and express them? Are they afraid of hearing something they’re not ready to hear? Or, do they think if they just leave things unsaid and let nature take its course, things will just end up happening on their own and in due time?

& GUEST

How many times have you received an invitation to a wedding, Bar or Bat Mitzvah, engagement party, or some other function where “& Guest” did not appear on your invitation? Well, luckily when the mail arrived, the 5 by 5 glossy navy and white invitation read, “Miss Alexandra Hammerstein and Guest.” Phew, my sister thought; for once they did the smart thing and invited her with a guest. I had already received my invite, and being that I had a boyfriend of 9 months, my brother made sure I knew that Colby was invited and would be receiving his own, separate invite! But, my adorable single sister, Alex, was so ecstatic that she immediately looked at me and was like, oh no, who am I going to invite? Being that the Bar Mitzvah was 3 months away, I smiled and told her she had some time to work on it!

Anyone single can probably relate, and as most of us will all agree, dancing solo—(or worse, with Nana Gertie)—tends to either lead to a completely boring and lonely night, or a REALLY drunk version of dancing to the Hora. Luckily for me, I had Colby, but Alex was torn on which one of her “boy-toys” was going to be her arm-candy for the night. I went down the list with her, first saying, “You better bring someone tall so you can wear those sick Christian Louboutin heels which look so hot with that black satin Calvin Klein dress, and your Jackie-O pearls.” Mmmm, she laughed, nodded, and thought, “Ok, I think I’m going to go out on a limb and ask Jordan.” Jordan and Alex had recently met over the summer through mutual friends. He was tall with a full head of think black hair, (almost Italian looking), but he was Jewish, and best part of him was he could dance like a rock star! I agreed, “Great choice, I hope he say’s yes!” Well, being that she was booking him 3 months in advance, and knowing how some guys can agree to go but also will often bail out last minute, I made sure to remind her that she better DRILL the date and event into him and tell him NO matter what, he CANNOT bail!

I had met Jordan several times. He was definitely a babe, perhaps a little immature, but hitting the town on any given night with him was never boring! At any party or event where there’s going to be open bar, good eats, and a band or DJ (and hopefully one that doesn’t make everyone do the electric slide), it’s never so bad if you have a shinning hot date on your arm who can also dance with, or without being loaded. However, I knew deep down that my little sis, even though she wasn’t so quick to admit it, had a slight crush on Jordan. I couldn’t blame her. Who wouldn’t? After all, he was far from ugly, short, or bald, and along with his charm, his personality like the icing on the cake!

That weekend, Alex, Colby, and I were going to Mistral for dinner and then hitting Mantra for drinks after--a typical Saturday night out in Boston. Alex looked at me, “Jordan is meeting up with us at Mantra. I’m gonna’ ask him tonight to be my date, and make sure he knows there are no strings”…just a friendly evening of him accompanying her to the party! I smirked at her as we were in the bathroom, and said, “Alex, my beautiful and darling young sister, NOTHING is ever innocent and harmless with you. I know you too well. Please, you CAN’T tell me that a part of you isn’t thinking that, after a few drinks, sexually frustrated from not being laid in months, and if, Jordan--the babe—accepts and is your date, a part of you isn’t hoping this innocent nephew’s Bar Mitzvah will turn into a night that’s maybe just what the ‘love’ doctor ordered.” Only problem was she had to hold out, since the party was still 3 months away! We laughed as we finished applying our gloss, paid the check, got the Rover, and bolted off to Mantra while blasting the tunes!

Going to any event, and being fortunate enough to be invited with a guest, can usually make for some spice, maybe a few fights if certain hopes aren’t met, and while looking forward to a delicious bagel, lox, and cream cheese you’ll wake up craving, only to hit the lavish brunch the next morning along with the bottle of Advil to help the ease the massive hangover and pounding head ache from all the booze you were sweating out from the night before. However, as a Maven who’s attended many events with various dates, where some blazed with fire while others simply simmered out….as you think back, how many of you single men and women wanted your date to land in your bed rather than on the sofa? Do you think he or she knew this, or just thought that they were being your supportive “friend” that accompanied you that evening? Well, stay tuned to soon find out what became of Alex and Jordan. Are they still friends post-Mitzvah? Do they hook up or have sex? Do they start to argue? Do they make up? Or, do they have a dramatic ending to the night of arguing, making up, and hooking up? But, why is it so rare that anything actually comes of any of the dates who accompanied you during the festivities? Did you let one slip on by? Or, did it stay all too friendly and innocent while never being addressed or talked about again?

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!

So much material in our world today tries to analyze and conclude why there are so many men and women single, going out on not enough good dates and way too many bad ones. Magazines, T.V. shows, and dating specialists all try to rationalize why many people today are still single. Why do so many people have problems finding that special one? Are they focusing too much on looks, which over time may or may not fade? Is it the endless excuse of being scared to commit, is she or he too fat or too thin, is height a problem, or just personality, or are men and women so set in their singles-way-of-life that deep down it doesn’t bother them? But, if that were the case, why do they sign up on a singles site, or even date? Is it just to satisfy the ragging hormones and get some action? Or, is the real problem--which isn’t easily admitted--YOU?

It’s very easy to think you may be the “perfect catch” on paper. However, hopefully you’ll find out that what may look so great on a résumé doesn’t always pan out in a face-to-face “interview.” Just because you may have a 6 pack, full head of think hair, fancy car, great career, and (if you’re lucky) hung like an elephant, DOES NOT mean that every woman wants to take your ride. What if you’re viewed as obnoxious; all you do is sit there talking about money or how many models you’ve been out with, how great you are in the sack, and how you’ve traveled to every country and get first dibs for going to every celebrity party or new opening. Is this going to keep a girl that you may really like into you? Why aren’t you still with the models? Why aren’t you hitched if you’re such the “catch” and SO great? Do you really believe that all these things are going to help land you the girl of your dreams and make her stay with you? Well, maybe if it’s the quiet, little bo peep innocent girl who just looks good on your arm, okay, but after a while, I can promise you all that shit wears thin. Sooner or later she’ll get annoyed with all the show and talk, and a point will come, (as perfect as you may think you are), where you’ll wake up to find, years later, you’re still alone and have nothing tangible other than you’re Porsche or Bentley car key--if you’re lucky enough to even be able to hold onto that!

But just like women get annoyed, what about a girl who thinks she’s the “perfect catch?” Even though she may be brilliant, IVY league educated, has a great career, comes from a nice home, what will happen when you get annoyed when she takes forever to get ready, is always snapping her gum, always on her cell, always late even when you tell her four times she MUST be on time, and it’s clear that she keeps putting herself before you even though you’re SO great and giving, and what once seemed like quite the “catch” from that instant attraction ends up being a nightmare? If the only real reason you’re with her in the first place is for her long legs, size 2 waist, and perfect C cup, if it ends up being long-term, you may soon find that she isn’t what you thought you’d signed up for.

Just because so many singles exist and are out there dating, posting on single sites and trying to find that perfect Mr. or Miss Right unfortunately isn’t that easy. If you’re fortunate to be able to “buy” your date or be seen on one of these speed-dating concepts as being loaded and looking only for an arm “piece” (that after awhile hurts your arm and dents your accounts more than you could have imagined), for the time being maybe you and she will be content. BUT, just because some guy is “loaded” or some girl is “hot,” all that can fade, and months later when you are either all shopped out or tired of all the brainless conversation, and your dick hurts from too much sex (because that’s the only thing keeping you two together), you wake up and think HOLY SHIT, I blew 100,000 in four months on someone, and where am I now…alone and $100K poorer?

Has our society put such an emphasis on looks, money, and materialistic and superficial things that it’s forgotten about what’s really important? Has it gotten more and more hung up on all the superficial bullshit instead of trying to address and fix the REAL problem and issue? Is the problem that most of the singles out there today have totally forgotten what it means to have strong morals and keep good values? Is that what the real issue is? And is the reason why most singles are thought of as having too many excuses as to why they can’t find someone really because we’re afraid to admit that perhaps we may not be looking far enough ahead, and thinking: will this person be a good mom or dad? Will they be understanding and emotionally supportive? Will they take care of me if sick? Are we intellectually, and physically compatible? Just because vows only get said when getting married, if you are fortunate enough to find someone and hit that point with, this doesn’t mean these words should be meaningless when dating and trying to find that special one! Men and women better start trying to understand that what may seem great for the moment doesn’t always turn out to be great down the road. As a Maven I’ve seen many friends rush into things for wrong reasons and get lost in the moment. One must always try to stay those two steps ahead, because by being ahead, very rarely do you ever fall behind or have to catch up or start over!

Advice from the Dating Maven: Co-Dependant OR In-Dependant?

Advice from the Dating Maven: Co-Dependant OR In-Dependant?

Co-Dependant OR In-Dependant?

There comes a time, usually in your mid 20’s and after, that you will start noticing that your single friends are dropping like flies and getting “hitched.” If you are one of those lucky singles left, you will be keen on your friend’s choice of partner, husband, or wife, and hopefully will be comfortable enough to sometimes be the “3rd wheel.” Unfortunately though, oftentimes you’ll hear awful stories of how some friends can’t stand their friend’s significant other, and cannot fathom why they chose to marry this “loser.” Thankfully, I’m not in that position and I happen to truly adore all my married friends’ “SOs.” However, being still single, you will usually find that making plans with your married friends doesn’t come as easy as it did when you were all a bunch of young singles, scoping out the party scene, and staying out to wee hours of the morning. Sooner or later, your married friends start ditching going out to the trendy corner bars and choose to spend their evenings in, trying to please their new spouse. Have they just forgotten what it was like to be single, go out, have a little fun and let lose?! After all, shouldn’t married women and men always feel they can innocently flirt? As long as it stays innocent, doesn’t this make for a better, more trusting relationship?

As your single friends fade and start marrying off, just like you start to live “married life” vicariously through THEM, THEY, in turn, love hearing your crazy stories and begin to think back to what life was like before they said “I do.” In the past several years, I’ve celebrated many engagements, weddings, and even got a glimpse of what it will be like to carry a “bun” in the oven. Thankfully for my dear friend, Rochelle, I’ve seen how a good marriage that has independence and trust remains fun even when with a kid is attached at your hip! Rochelle met her husband, Joey, an old friend of mine from Boston, on an internet singles site. I was thankful that he met someone so vivacious, energetic, confident, and great, because now she also has become one of my closest married girl friends, whom I was able to share with in the experience of her 9 months of pregnancy that ended with an adorable baby girl.

We met at the beginning of her pregnancy, and spent hours one snowy day at New York Medical because what we thought was a blood clot was just the kid tugging at her ribs. As we learned, pregnancy is not only about getting a whole new wardrobe filled with designer maternity clothes, but also can be painful and exhausting, too. However, being her friend, I was able to experience all the steps of pregnancy through her, and was quite surprised to see her run up and downtown, ride the subway, schlep here and there, without being the typical complaining pregnant friend and/or wife that I expected her to become--worse than a bride turning into “bridezilla.” Her pregnant and unable-to-drink self and I went to all the so called “hot and trendy spots” for dinner, and since she’s a walking Zagats, besides constantly hearing about her ever-enlarging cup size and what the embryo feels like in her belly, I got a taste of all the posh spots! Quite the little trooper she was while having to watch me order steak, tuna or salmon tar tar, meanwhile salivating from not being able to have anything raw, let alone a glass of wine to wash it down!

HOWEVER, what happens when some of “those” married friends who used to be the life of the party and the sickest on the dance floor, get hitched, and often start acting as if they’ve prematurely aged after only one year of marriage, and what used to be reservations around 8 is now the early bird Boca Raton special, dinner at 5:30? Of course, if they’re really lucky and score a nanny who will stay past ten o’clock, then just maybe they’ll catch a flick while hoping not to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion!

You’ll invite your friend to do dinner, and they’ll reply, “I can’t; I promised so and so I’d cook” even though you are well aware it’s the same story every time you ask. “I need to be home for my husband or mate” becomes their typical excuse, and it turns out that all they ever do is go for coffee or lunch during the day. Single, you sit there and wonder: “is this going to be how MY life turns out, staying home every night, only going out with my friends when my other ½ is working late, taking care of the kids, or watching TV and getting fat while turning into a couch potato? Hey, but then my alter ego thinks, maybe this is what the “marrieds” like to do! Friends will sometimes show no interest in you or your life, all because they get wrapped up and often trapped in their married life, causing them to slowly lose sight of friendships and events that were once so meaningful. So, years later, after pushing out the kid, always revolving your lives around each other and/or your kids, doing endless amounts of laundry, cooking all meals, they’ll wake up one day and start to think, have I lost my total independence? What I am doing and where’s my life? Shouldn’t we be able to have a joined life together while still maintaining who I am? See, what some couples just don’t understand is that keeping a life of your own, and having your “me time,” is a crucial element in keeping any relationship or marriage healthy, fun, and together.

I’ve heard and seen many husbands or wives who have a jealous side, which often is worse than that bitchy and jealous girlfriend or selfish boyfriend who is so insecure that they try to control who you are and who you remain friends with. If you are perceptive enough, you can wake up, acknowledge, and see that side of the person before you’ve blown 20-30K for the rock, signed a pre-nup, and said your vows. Why is jealously such an issue in relationships? Are people that insecure of their partner or themselves that this act causes the relationship to crumble and arguments start over who your “friend” of the opposite sex is that calls and texts you at 2:00 am? Some people feel so threatened, that when they “happen” to ease drop, and overhear a conversation or see an innocent look given, this innocent behavior sometimes gets perceived the wrong way causing fights to begin. COME ON NOW, IT’S TIME TO GROW UP. All this really ever is, is exaggerated high school bullshit and drama. You must stop being so immature, untrusting, and worse of all, jealous. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you’re always tip-toeing around and making sure you clear and delete a text or a # of someone who’s called so that if you’re other ½, if checked, they wouldn’t see and get the wrong message and get their panties all tied in a bunch? Assuming and jumping to conclusions before hearing the truth will most likely only lead to one thing: an unnecessary argument.

Fortunately, it is so refreshing to see that Rochelle is an independent, confident, hardworking (at her own career), loving wife and mother, and also still craves and loves having her “girl’s night out,” regardless of whether it’s a weekend or weekday night. There’s no consistent pattern in her relationship other then when to feed the baby and pump! Keeping your own life isn’t that hard, yet men and women, when in relationships, seem to forget that there’s no need to spend 24/7 together, and what started out as being a fun and spontaneous relationship can very quickly become a boring routine. Being co-dependant can be an unhealthy way to live life. If you can have fun together, and have fun alone, what’s a night or two out, knowing you’re coming home to a partner or spouse’s cuddly arms and warmed up bed? So why then, when in a relationship, do SO many men and women try to control and monopolize the other? Is this really the way to live? Is the real, unaddressed problem TRUST? Well, as a Maven who’s independent, career oriented, and has been in some relationships where the guy tried to control, (which ultimately never worked), I will say it’s NOT a way to live your life. Being controlled by someone because they have more trust in the inmates at the state penitentiary than they do in you is not what you really want. BUT, I can almost guarantee that trying to control someone, with or without trust, will usually create problems within your relationship. My Maven advice is that everyone who is in a controlling relationship or in a relationship where jealousy, mistrust and unhealthy co-dependence exists or is starting to develop, should first learn how to be alone before they take that next step being with someone else. You need to become secure of yourself, so when you do find your mate and start a relationship, this isn’t affected by your own problems and issues that should’ve been nipped in the bud in your adolescent years instead of causing unnecessary drama and fights post college, and into adulthood.