Wednesday, March 28, 2007

APPROPRIATE....OR IMMATURE?

October 12th was here, the Saturday of the Bar Mitzvah. My whole family all reserved rooms at the Copley Fairmont, since we’d all be sure to be a little tipsy after party and all the kiddies, and probably the married adults, would be soundly tucked into their beds. So, Alex, Jordan, Colby, and I had made certain to discuss our “after party” plans, and all agreed that as soon as the clock struck Midnight and the cake was served, we’d hit the “open” bar for one last drink, say our good-byes, mosey on out in our black tie outfits, and hit a club for last call!

However, being that I had Colby, and Alex we knew wanted Jordan, when his drunken mouth started slurring, “Oh man, I can’t wait to see Adrienne, this hot waitress I met last weekend,” the tension was as thick as Aunt Emma’s braided challah. Now, most people know that if you go to a lavish affair with a date, it’s rude to “ditch” that person before attending the family brunch the next morning. After all, it’s just one night! Instead of thinking about your own wants and needs, sometimes you have to know how to forget about your dick and just make sure to do the right thing and put the other person first.

We end up at Sugar, although after hearing about Jordan’s potential post-party hook-up, my sister was “fit to be tied.” We step out of the car, and man did she let him have it! We hardly survived one drink at Sugar when the fighting between her and Jordan escalated, and the four of us quickly ended up back in a cab straight to the Copley Fairmont.

“I can’t believe that after such a nice evening you can even think to treat me like this; are you serious, Jordan? Did your parents bring you up this way, being disrespectful and RUDE?” I look at Colby and wince, uh oh, here she goes in full force; Jordan is in for an ear full!
“I can’t believe after such an entertaining, fun, and great evening, you had the audacity to pull this shit! What the hell were you thinking with some waitress bimbo?” Alex let out one of her “I can’t believe what an ass you are” sighs.
“I mean, do what you want when you’re alone, but with me, and my sister, and Colby there? Are you SERIOUS?”

“I’m so sorry Alex. I really am. “I wasn’t thinking.”
“Jordan, you NEVER think, that’s your PROBLEM.”
“We aren’t a couple, and I didn’t know it was going to upset you like this.”
“Sorry? PLEASE Jordan, GROW the FUCK UP.”

The cab finally approached the hotel; it was the shortest ride and then again felt like it took forever! Colby and I just kept looking at each other and rolling our eyes, knowing that my sister had a point. Think about it, you ask someone to accompany you to a family event, spend the whole night with her family, sister, and her sister’s boyfriend, and as soon as it’s over, you act like a complete asshole and pretend for it to just be another night of you and your immature behavior…..Really, even Colby felt Jordan was being a dick and doing the wrong thing. Drunk or not, he should’ve had enough respect for Alex, as a FRIEND, and realized he was there to hang and be with her for the entire night, whether at the hotel party or after. It’s not like Alex was saying she wanted to “date” him or even “hook up” with him. Okay, maybe she was thinking and hoping, but all she really wanted was for her date to actually be a gentleman and finish the night as planned, with her, instead of having to bring in a 5th wheel--the waitress--last minute because he was horny and drunk! Is getting your drunken self some action more important than being a true FRIEND and doing the right thing?

Well, back in the lobby, I said my good nights to Alex and Jordan, and we went our separate ways back to our rooms, and beds. Colby and I took bets; will they keep arguing until one or each other passes out? Will they stop speaking and maybe smoke a joint, get the munchies, order room service, and then pass out? Or, will they keep going at it while sparking a J, order $20 over priced burgers from room service, say their piece, try to pass out, but hook up instead, maybe even realizing neither thought to bring a condom? Well, guess our minds would have to wonder until the eleven a.m. brunch! Man did Colby and I wish we were flies on the wall. Oh well, we went to our room and chose to forget about them and start focusing back on us!

However, many women and men, when asked to attend an event, sometimes have the hope of a private little after-part for two to finish out the evening. Maybe this “hidden agenda” is not on the mind of both parties, but like Alex and Jordan, when you sign yourself up to be someone’s date, the polite things to do is act appropriately, like a gentleman (or a lady)! Whether or not you may have wanted more, at least have enough respect for whom you came with to be their SOLE date for the duration of the evening! Oftentimes, when people drink, events and expectations become exaggerated. But no matter how intoxicated you may get, you should always remember being respectful and not always putting yourself first is the proper thing to do. Thinking back, how many countless evenings was something wrong said, or done? As a Maven and woman, I can say Grey Goose can sometimes have a weird after effect if something or someone is to set you off. My advice for the women: start drinking champagne, and for you men, stop drinking 10 Gooses on the rocks, and instead try watering them down with some tonic or soda!

Monday, March 26, 2007

A DATE....OR, MORE?

Text goes off on the phone. It was Jordan, change of plans, no Mantra.
“Let’s meet at Rumor, we have a table there, ok?”
“Hey guys, Jordan wants us to meet him at Rumor instead. Okay with you?”
“Yup!” Alex replies, “See you in 5 minutes.” The fun is about to start; after all, we’ve already had good eats and drinks, and now the party was only going to get better. I thought to myself, “I hope he says yes; she’d be so psyched, and relieved!”

We gave the Rover to the Valet, cut the line (thanks to Theo and George at the door), and spotted Jordan in the VIP section--gotta love the no line, and VIP pimped-out table we had. Bottles were brought over and drinks were being poured. I saw Alex out of the corner of my eye starting to approach Jordan. Quickly swaying over so I could hear their conversation, I decided to be the nosey big sister and eaves drop while Alex made her move.
“So Jordan, what are you doing October 12th?”
He looked at her, smiled, and replied, “Geez Alex, that’s far away for me to even think where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing.”
“Well, I have my nephew’s Bar Mitzvah and need a date, want the job?”
“SURE! I’d love to be your date; after all, at least you and I will be the best dancers there, can’t wait! Looking forward to it!” A big smile appeared all over Alex’s face; she was as happy as a girl or some guys in the shoe department at Bergdorf’s scoring a pair of Prada’s ½ off!

Alex runs over to me, “I know, he said, Yes. I could see your face light up and hear an ounce or two of the conversation! Ok, but now we need to forget about a night that is 3 months away and have fun here and now. Pour me another Veuve, please!” The rest of the night was a bit of a blur between the drinks and dancing, but it ended with us dropping Jordan off and Alex going home solo but in Bar-Mitzvah-date-bliss!

I’m sure Alex wondered what was going through Jordan’s mind like most girls do. Was he thinking the invite was going to be just an entertaining and amusing night, or was there more into her asking him than met the eye? But as many women and men may have more feelings than either knows, it’s anyone’s guess what the other is thinking. Why though, if feelings are there, won’t the man or woman come clean and express them? Are they afraid of hearing something they’re not ready to hear? Or, do they think if they just leave things unsaid and let nature take its course, things will just end up happening on their own and in due time?

Sunday, March 25, 2007

& GUEST

How many times have you received an invitation to a wedding, Bar or Bat Mitzvah, engagement party, or some other function where “& Guest” did not appear on your invitation? Well, luckily when the mail arrived, the 5 by 5 glossy navy and white invitation read, “Miss Alexandra Hammerstein and Guest.” Phew, my sister thought; for once they did the smart thing and invited her with a guest. I had already received my invite, and being that I had a boyfriend of 9 months, my brother made sure I knew that Colby was invited and would be receiving his own, separate invite! But, my adorable single sister, Alex, was so ecstatic that she immediately looked at me and was like, oh no, who am I going to invite? Being that the Bar Mitzvah was 3 months away, I smiled and told her she had some time to work on it!

Anyone single can probably relate, and as most of us will all agree, dancing solo—(or worse, with Nana Gertie)—tends to either lead to a completely boring and lonely night, or a REALLY drunk version of dancing to the Hora. Luckily for me, I had Colby, but Alex was torn on which one of her “boy-toys” was going to be her arm-candy for the night. I went down the list with her, first saying, “You better bring someone tall so you can wear those sick Christian Louboutin heels which look so hot with that black satin Calvin Klein dress, and your Jackie-O pearls.” Mmmm, she laughed, nodded, and thought, “Ok, I think I’m going to go out on a limb and ask Jordan.” Jordan and Alex had recently met over the summer through mutual friends. He was tall with a full head of think black hair, (almost Italian looking), but he was Jewish, and best part of him was he could dance like a rock star! I agreed, “Great choice, I hope he say’s yes!” Well, being that she was booking him 3 months in advance, and knowing how some guys can agree to go but also will often bail out last minute, I made sure to remind her that she better DRILL the date and event into him and tell him NO matter what, he CANNOT bail!

I had met Jordan several times. He was definitely a babe, perhaps a little immature, but hitting the town on any given night with him was never boring! At any party or event where there’s going to be open bar, good eats, and a band or DJ (and hopefully one that doesn’t make everyone do the electric slide), it’s never so bad if you have a shinning hot date on your arm who can also dance with, or without being loaded. However, I knew deep down that my little sis, even though she wasn’t so quick to admit it, had a slight crush on Jordan. I couldn’t blame her. Who wouldn’t? After all, he was far from ugly, short, or bald, and along with his charm, his personality like the icing on the cake!

That weekend, Alex, Colby, and I were going to Mistral for dinner and then hitting Mantra for drinks after--a typical Saturday night out in Boston. Alex looked at me, “Jordan is meeting up with us at Mantra. I’m gonna’ ask him tonight to be my date, and make sure he knows there are no strings”…just a friendly evening of him accompanying her to the party! I smirked at her as we were in the bathroom, and said, “Alex, my beautiful and darling young sister, NOTHING is ever innocent and harmless with you. I know you too well. Please, you CAN’T tell me that a part of you isn’t thinking that, after a few drinks, sexually frustrated from not being laid in months, and if, Jordan--the babe—accepts and is your date, a part of you isn’t hoping this innocent nephew’s Bar Mitzvah will turn into a night that’s maybe just what the ‘love’ doctor ordered.” Only problem was she had to hold out, since the party was still 3 months away! We laughed as we finished applying our gloss, paid the check, got the Rover, and bolted off to Mantra while blasting the tunes!

Going to any event, and being fortunate enough to be invited with a guest, can usually make for some spice, maybe a few fights if certain hopes aren’t met, and while looking forward to a delicious bagel, lox, and cream cheese you’ll wake up craving, only to hit the lavish brunch the next morning along with the bottle of Advil to help the ease the massive hangover and pounding head ache from all the booze you were sweating out from the night before. However, as a Maven who’s attended many events with various dates, where some blazed with fire while others simply simmered out….as you think back, how many of you single men and women wanted your date to land in your bed rather than on the sofa? Do you think he or she knew this, or just thought that they were being your supportive “friend” that accompanied you that evening? Well, stay tuned to soon find out what became of Alex and Jordan. Are they still friends post-Mitzvah? Do they hook up or have sex? Do they start to argue? Do they make up? Or, do they have a dramatic ending to the night of arguing, making up, and hooking up? But, why is it so rare that anything actually comes of any of the dates who accompanied you during the festivities? Did you let one slip on by? Or, did it stay all too friendly and innocent while never being addressed or talked about again?

Saturday, March 24, 2007

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!

So much material in our world today tries to analyze and conclude why there are so many men and women single, going out on not enough good dates and way too many bad ones. Magazines, T.V. shows, and dating specialists all try to rationalize why many people today are still single. Why do so many people have problems finding that special one? Are they focusing too much on looks, which over time may or may not fade? Is it the endless excuse of being scared to commit, is she or he too fat or too thin, is height a problem, or just personality, or are men and women so set in their singles-way-of-life that deep down it doesn’t bother them? But, if that were the case, why do they sign up on a singles site, or even date? Is it just to satisfy the ragging hormones and get some action? Or, is the real problem--which isn’t easily admitted--YOU?

It’s very easy to think you may be the “perfect catch” on paper. However, hopefully you’ll find out that what may look so great on a résumé doesn’t always pan out in a face-to-face “interview.” Just because you may have a 6 pack, full head of think hair, fancy car, great career, and (if you’re lucky) hung like an elephant, DOES NOT mean that every woman wants to take your ride. What if you’re viewed as obnoxious; all you do is sit there talking about money or how many models you’ve been out with, how great you are in the sack, and how you’ve traveled to every country and get first dibs for going to every celebrity party or new opening. Is this going to keep a girl that you may really like into you? Why aren’t you still with the models? Why aren’t you hitched if you’re such the “catch” and SO great? Do you really believe that all these things are going to help land you the girl of your dreams and make her stay with you? Well, maybe if it’s the quiet, little bo peep innocent girl who just looks good on your arm, okay, but after a while, I can promise you all that shit wears thin. Sooner or later she’ll get annoyed with all the show and talk, and a point will come, (as perfect as you may think you are), where you’ll wake up to find, years later, you’re still alone and have nothing tangible other than you’re Porsche or Bentley car key--if you’re lucky enough to even be able to hold onto that!

But just like women get annoyed, what about a girl who thinks she’s the “perfect catch?” Even though she may be brilliant, IVY league educated, has a great career, comes from a nice home, what will happen when you get annoyed when she takes forever to get ready, is always snapping her gum, always on her cell, always late even when you tell her four times she MUST be on time, and it’s clear that she keeps putting herself before you even though you’re SO great and giving, and what once seemed like quite the “catch” from that instant attraction ends up being a nightmare? If the only real reason you’re with her in the first place is for her long legs, size 2 waist, and perfect C cup, if it ends up being long-term, you may soon find that she isn’t what you thought you’d signed up for.

Just because so many singles exist and are out there dating, posting on single sites and trying to find that perfect Mr. or Miss Right unfortunately isn’t that easy. If you’re fortunate to be able to “buy” your date or be seen on one of these speed-dating concepts as being loaded and looking only for an arm “piece” (that after awhile hurts your arm and dents your accounts more than you could have imagined), for the time being maybe you and she will be content. BUT, just because some guy is “loaded” or some girl is “hot,” all that can fade, and months later when you are either all shopped out or tired of all the brainless conversation, and your dick hurts from too much sex (because that’s the only thing keeping you two together), you wake up and think HOLY SHIT, I blew 100,000 in four months on someone, and where am I now…alone and $100K poorer?

Has our society put such an emphasis on looks, money, and materialistic and superficial things that it’s forgotten about what’s really important? Has it gotten more and more hung up on all the superficial bullshit instead of trying to address and fix the REAL problem and issue? Is the problem that most of the singles out there today have totally forgotten what it means to have strong morals and keep good values? Is that what the real issue is? And is the reason why most singles are thought of as having too many excuses as to why they can’t find someone really because we’re afraid to admit that perhaps we may not be looking far enough ahead, and thinking: will this person be a good mom or dad? Will they be understanding and emotionally supportive? Will they take care of me if sick? Are we intellectually, and physically compatible? Just because vows only get said when getting married, if you are fortunate enough to find someone and hit that point with, this doesn’t mean these words should be meaningless when dating and trying to find that special one! Men and women better start trying to understand that what may seem great for the moment doesn’t always turn out to be great down the road. As a Maven I’ve seen many friends rush into things for wrong reasons and get lost in the moment. One must always try to stay those two steps ahead, because by being ahead, very rarely do you ever fall behind or have to catch up or start over!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Advice from the Dating Maven: Co-Dependant OR In-Dependant?

Advice from the Dating Maven: Co-Dependant OR In-Dependant?

Co-Dependant OR In-Dependant?

There comes a time, usually in your mid 20’s and after, that you will start noticing that your single friends are dropping like flies and getting “hitched.” If you are one of those lucky singles left, you will be keen on your friend’s choice of partner, husband, or wife, and hopefully will be comfortable enough to sometimes be the “3rd wheel.” Unfortunately though, oftentimes you’ll hear awful stories of how some friends can’t stand their friend’s significant other, and cannot fathom why they chose to marry this “loser.” Thankfully, I’m not in that position and I happen to truly adore all my married friends’ “SOs.” However, being still single, you will usually find that making plans with your married friends doesn’t come as easy as it did when you were all a bunch of young singles, scoping out the party scene, and staying out to wee hours of the morning. Sooner or later, your married friends start ditching going out to the trendy corner bars and choose to spend their evenings in, trying to please their new spouse. Have they just forgotten what it was like to be single, go out, have a little fun and let lose?! After all, shouldn’t married women and men always feel they can innocently flirt? As long as it stays innocent, doesn’t this make for a better, more trusting relationship?

As your single friends fade and start marrying off, just like you start to live “married life” vicariously through THEM, THEY, in turn, love hearing your crazy stories and begin to think back to what life was like before they said “I do.” In the past several years, I’ve celebrated many engagements, weddings, and even got a glimpse of what it will be like to carry a “bun” in the oven. Thankfully for my dear friend, Rochelle, I’ve seen how a good marriage that has independence and trust remains fun even when with a kid is attached at your hip! Rochelle met her husband, Joey, an old friend of mine from Boston, on an internet singles site. I was thankful that he met someone so vivacious, energetic, confident, and great, because now she also has become one of my closest married girl friends, whom I was able to share with in the experience of her 9 months of pregnancy that ended with an adorable baby girl.

We met at the beginning of her pregnancy, and spent hours one snowy day at New York Medical because what we thought was a blood clot was just the kid tugging at her ribs. As we learned, pregnancy is not only about getting a whole new wardrobe filled with designer maternity clothes, but also can be painful and exhausting, too. However, being her friend, I was able to experience all the steps of pregnancy through her, and was quite surprised to see her run up and downtown, ride the subway, schlep here and there, without being the typical complaining pregnant friend and/or wife that I expected her to become--worse than a bride turning into “bridezilla.” Her pregnant and unable-to-drink self and I went to all the so called “hot and trendy spots” for dinner, and since she’s a walking Zagats, besides constantly hearing about her ever-enlarging cup size and what the embryo feels like in her belly, I got a taste of all the posh spots! Quite the little trooper she was while having to watch me order steak, tuna or salmon tar tar, meanwhile salivating from not being able to have anything raw, let alone a glass of wine to wash it down!

HOWEVER, what happens when some of “those” married friends who used to be the life of the party and the sickest on the dance floor, get hitched, and often start acting as if they’ve prematurely aged after only one year of marriage, and what used to be reservations around 8 is now the early bird Boca Raton special, dinner at 5:30? Of course, if they’re really lucky and score a nanny who will stay past ten o’clock, then just maybe they’ll catch a flick while hoping not to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion!

You’ll invite your friend to do dinner, and they’ll reply, “I can’t; I promised so and so I’d cook” even though you are well aware it’s the same story every time you ask. “I need to be home for my husband or mate” becomes their typical excuse, and it turns out that all they ever do is go for coffee or lunch during the day. Single, you sit there and wonder: “is this going to be how MY life turns out, staying home every night, only going out with my friends when my other ½ is working late, taking care of the kids, or watching TV and getting fat while turning into a couch potato? Hey, but then my alter ego thinks, maybe this is what the “marrieds” like to do! Friends will sometimes show no interest in you or your life, all because they get wrapped up and often trapped in their married life, causing them to slowly lose sight of friendships and events that were once so meaningful. So, years later, after pushing out the kid, always revolving your lives around each other and/or your kids, doing endless amounts of laundry, cooking all meals, they’ll wake up one day and start to think, have I lost my total independence? What I am doing and where’s my life? Shouldn’t we be able to have a joined life together while still maintaining who I am? See, what some couples just don’t understand is that keeping a life of your own, and having your “me time,” is a crucial element in keeping any relationship or marriage healthy, fun, and together.

I’ve heard and seen many husbands or wives who have a jealous side, which often is worse than that bitchy and jealous girlfriend or selfish boyfriend who is so insecure that they try to control who you are and who you remain friends with. If you are perceptive enough, you can wake up, acknowledge, and see that side of the person before you’ve blown 20-30K for the rock, signed a pre-nup, and said your vows. Why is jealously such an issue in relationships? Are people that insecure of their partner or themselves that this act causes the relationship to crumble and arguments start over who your “friend” of the opposite sex is that calls and texts you at 2:00 am? Some people feel so threatened, that when they “happen” to ease drop, and overhear a conversation or see an innocent look given, this innocent behavior sometimes gets perceived the wrong way causing fights to begin. COME ON NOW, IT’S TIME TO GROW UP. All this really ever is, is exaggerated high school bullshit and drama. You must stop being so immature, untrusting, and worse of all, jealous. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you’re always tip-toeing around and making sure you clear and delete a text or a # of someone who’s called so that if you’re other ½, if checked, they wouldn’t see and get the wrong message and get their panties all tied in a bunch? Assuming and jumping to conclusions before hearing the truth will most likely only lead to one thing: an unnecessary argument.

Fortunately, it is so refreshing to see that Rochelle is an independent, confident, hardworking (at her own career), loving wife and mother, and also still craves and loves having her “girl’s night out,” regardless of whether it’s a weekend or weekday night. There’s no consistent pattern in her relationship other then when to feed the baby and pump! Keeping your own life isn’t that hard, yet men and women, when in relationships, seem to forget that there’s no need to spend 24/7 together, and what started out as being a fun and spontaneous relationship can very quickly become a boring routine. Being co-dependant can be an unhealthy way to live life. If you can have fun together, and have fun alone, what’s a night or two out, knowing you’re coming home to a partner or spouse’s cuddly arms and warmed up bed? So why then, when in a relationship, do SO many men and women try to control and monopolize the other? Is this really the way to live? Is the real, unaddressed problem TRUST? Well, as a Maven who’s independent, career oriented, and has been in some relationships where the guy tried to control, (which ultimately never worked), I will say it’s NOT a way to live your life. Being controlled by someone because they have more trust in the inmates at the state penitentiary than they do in you is not what you really want. BUT, I can almost guarantee that trying to control someone, with or without trust, will usually create problems within your relationship. My Maven advice is that everyone who is in a controlling relationship or in a relationship where jealousy, mistrust and unhealthy co-dependence exists or is starting to develop, should first learn how to be alone before they take that next step being with someone else. You need to become secure of yourself, so when you do find your mate and start a relationship, this isn’t affected by your own problems and issues that should’ve been nipped in the bud in your adolescent years instead of causing unnecessary drama and fights post college, and into adulthood.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Dirty Talk

SEX. It’s great, feels good, is pleasurable, exciting, and with some may start out “iffy” but (if done again with the same person) may just keep getting better and better. BUT, what happened to sex being a little mysterious? Has society painted it out just to be “raunchy and dirty?”

We often see couples cheating, screwing in strip clubs, bathrooms, oceans, and getting so drunk that they end up having a one-night-stand. However, do men just think relationships are only about getting laid? What happened to a man displaying the fundamentals of passion and romance by courting a woman, while leaving some mystery before showing their full hand? Having “IM’d” with many online singles without having met face to face, oftentimes the “sex talk” will arise. Why is it that so many men feel the need to have the sex talk, discuss what positions they like, where they’ve “done” it and how they loathe women who are dead fishes, what turns them on and off to, and how many times a day they need it? Well, many women are VERY turned off by the “sex talk” especially if they haven’t even met the guy. Some women are great in the sack and make wonderful lovers, but find the suspense and mystery about someone most enticing. Don’t men understand that talking about sex turns some women off? Does it ever occur to most men that women may get the impression that by talking about SEX, it seems like that’s the only thing you’re interested in or care about, and aren’t really searching for that meaningful romantic relationship?

While instant messaging with Francois, he told me how he was multitasking and having the “sex talk” with some “chick” he just met online. Being in the similar situation and having the conversation brought up by men, several times, I laughed and thought to myself, “Do they think the talk will get them some action?” Is it so they can get all clammy and aroused? Are they trying to substitute IM sex for the actual person? Although from judging what little they’ve learned, are they just assuming the “chick” isn’t for them? Are most men just being the typical, horny dog who lays in their beds iming themselves to hardness? Is it only about jerking off just so they can relieve their sexual frustration from feeling a void of not having a significant other in their life? Or, are some men just really insecure and feel that by talking to a girl about sex she will be more turned on and “into him?”

I’ve heard so many women complain that today’s men just aren’t romantic, and that all they’re looking for and want is a work out for their dicks! Fact: MEN, talking about sex before doing the “deed” to most women is a MAJOR turn off. Do men really understand how to spice things up outside of the bedroom and leave that ever-lasting romantic impression? Do they really think that by sending or bringing flowers home every now and then, or planning a typical evening out at some posh restaurant is being romantic? While some may think it’s thoughtful and nice, and it is, it’s also, SO generic.

Looking back, when I was dating Sampson, I can remember that he was so rough around the edges that he thought that getting tickets to the Producer’s for my birthday was considered romantic. While it was very thoughtful of him, sitting there watching him falling asleep while the drool dripped wasn’t my idea of being “romanced.” Men AND women should always desire and want to do something special and unexpected for one another, rather than just feeling pressured to do so only on “Hallmark” or calendar-marked days. Many don’t understand that being romantic isn’t about only being able to charge a gift; it’s about being creative doing something unique!

Why don’t men know how to make an effort and try to actually put some thought into what being romantic is really all about? Are most men and women today so naïve that they just don’t see the importance of romance in relationships? Planning to do something out of the “norm” for someone you care about and trying to impress them shouldn’t be difficult, yet too many just don’t know how to go that extra step. WHY? Do they really believe that taking someone to a fancy shmacy restaurant like Daniel for an expensive overrated meal that is usually shit out the next morning, their idea of romantic? Yes, it’s a nice thing to do, BUT please! It’s SO cookie cutter and ordinary! To romance someone, you must try going beyond the boring text books that you covered with brown paper bags back in high school, and instead make it more like a fairytale that’s never forgotten. So many relationships today tend to fall apart from men and women forgetting the importance of keeping the honeymoon period alive. How can we keep our relationships fresh so they don’t become stale and boring? Is it when the adventure and spontaneity is lost and forgotten and every night is all just about dinner, staying in and watching some flick, that a pattern is created and couples become bored and start losing interest in each other EXCEPT for when IN each other?

Men, like many women, become conditioned and get comfortable in the relationship. When the relationship starts becoming too easy, and you start acting and feeling like you’re an old married couple before even signing the
pre-nup, is when many couples tend to forget that a relationship is a two way street, and if one is putting more in than you are getting out, problems start to arise. If you are the one doing and making more effort and you’re starting to feel that the relationship is all about convenience rather than pleasure, excitement, and love, you start making up excuses for the other, and think: Will you ever be fully content or truly happy? If you want the relationship to survive, then it must change from being a one way street to having two-way traffic. Fact: IF THERE IS NO EFFORT ON HIS OR HER BEHALF, THERE IS A PROBLEM. THE QUESTION IS, IS IT FIXABLE OR IS THE RELATIONSHIP TOO MUCH OF AN EFFORT AND SHOULD BE FINISHED? ARE YOU BOTH STAYING TOGETHER JUST FOR THE SEX?

How do you keep the fire lit so the relationship that started out so extraordinary doesn’t turn into something common and boring? Are you staying together just for the sex and making excuses for the boredom, lack of romance, and adventure? Do you start trying to convince yourself things will change if you stay together, yet are feeling deprived on all levels outside of the bedroom? Many men and women lose sight that you constantly need to make each other feel special and wanted, and show that you really miss, need, and desire each other. Some guys will always put their friends first, when what they really should be doing is putting the woman and the relationship first. I can remember speaking online with several men, and automatically they start talking about how he’ll take you here or there, how you are going to be great together, how he’s a monster in the bedroom, and how he needs it twice a day if not three times…..NO. TURN IT OFF. STOP trying to create something that hasn’t yet been created. Just like you may think she has great “knockers” in her pic, it’s when her shirt comes off, you find out it was all an illusion from her Victoria Secret Wonderbra. Well, as some things can look appealing on the outside, and your “sex talk” can be so hot and heavy that you are so hard and wet, that when you actually end up meeting, because you’ve set your expectations so high, you quickly become disappointed, completely turned off, and dried up! TRUTH: Often that hot online picture was air brushed. Do you really want to even think about beginning a relationship on a LIE? Women and MEN, you must learn that creating something that isn’t who you are does NOT help you land a partner or get yourself laid. Most singles need to see that what may seem attractive in a profile, IM talk, or in emails and on the phone, doesn’t mean you should set your expectations so high, get all excited and start thinking you’ve met your “match,” and are done! That actual face-to-face meeting may have you slamming on the BREAKS. Remember now: just as quick as you got so pumped up, that’s as fast as you can deflate and delete.

Finding that special one is not an easy task, and just from 2 or 3 dates with someone where most put their pedicured feet or “chest” forward, doesn’t mean after getting to know his/her true colors, flexibility, climax, and positions, your feelings don’t change down the road. From several of my own experiences, my Maven advice is to stop trying to create a relationship without first meeting the person. A good talker isn’t always a good lover, and intense sex will most likely become all too ordinary if that’s the only great part of the relationship that’s keeping it afloat.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Thong.....Or Bloomers??

Is being single in your 20s or 30s such a bad thing? Why is it that so many parents are so quick to see their children married? Is it to take them off their ATM (if you’re that child to still be on it)? Is it so they can have the gratification of being grandparents to make them feel young again? Or, is it because they got married, had kids, and did the “norm,” that they’re expecting their children to follow in their same footsteps? Does this necessarily mean our parents are, or were, “perfect role models” and that we should follow their “map” and live our lives like theirs? Or, do they just not understand how being single and out there dating often, if done too much, turns into added pressure, or starts feeling like it’s becoming another job?

Well, NO. Some parents today just don’t understand what it is like to be single, working, surviving, and going out every-other night. As my mother voices, “Don’t you get sick of going out to the same places, seeing the same people, and waking up hung-over, speed dialing Hot n Crusty to deliver you a bagel? Aren’t you tired of it?” I chuckle every time she tries to switch me over to a different way of thinking—her thinking. However, unlike many singles, I love staying in, don’t care that I’m single, and choose one or two nights, (typically Thursdays and Saturdays), to be out and about! However, parents have trouble understanding or even imagining what it is like to stroll in at wee hours of the morning after having had several cocktails, and have to wake up and be at the office before nine. That’s not to say they should have to fully understand our generation, but living in the twenty-first century, they should at least be able to “deal” and try to accept our generation’s views and lifestyle.

But, is our generation too magnanimous? Was theirs better? Maybe it was…maybe there weren’t so many singles, maybe life was easier back in their days, maybe most people today take others for granted, using their cell phones to text instead of having to actually converse. Is today’s generation so indulged and spoiled that people have forgotten how to appreciate someone or something? Living in this incredibly single, expensive, and fast-paced city where almost anything you could possibly want is delivered to your door step within an hour, are we expecting then that our relationships can be delivered as such? (Unfortunately, charging a meal, and sometimes on Mom and/or Dad if you’re still dipping into their pockets, is a whole lot easier than meeting “the one.”) Well, the ‘rents can push, pray, and sometimes still pay, or even try setting you up on a dates, HOWEVER, that’s usually not going to get you “hitched” any faster then you throwing your pants on, and doing the walk of shame out the next morning!

After a few dates with someone new, why do so many WOMEN want and feel the need to introduce this “newbie” to Mom and/or Dad? By no means whatsoever do we see most MEN rushing to bring a woman home to meet his parents. In fact, it’s just the opposite; most men usually take their sweet time to even ask a girl out, that introducing her to his family is often a painful and lengthy wait. Are most women illustrating that they are insecure of him (or themselves), therefore feeling the need for parental approval? Do they think he will view her any differently after watching how she interacts amongst her family? What goes through a guy’s head when he thought that your Saturday night was just for “2”, and unexpectedly at 5pm is informed its been changed to “4” (the 2 extra being Mom and Dad)? It was sprung on him so late that he didn’t even get that “window” for escape or be able to brainstorm some lame excuse of why he can’t join. This unexpected plan will no doubt create some unnecessary tension, and as close as you may have thought you two were getting, you may have unknowingly spun the relationship in a different direction, leading him to pull away and close up. Don’t women get it: meeting the parents and springing important things last minute without proper communication may (and often does) scare the guy away! When bringing a “date” to meet one’s parents, you’re most often saying that you want to speed the relationship up. But, the fact is, you aren’t on a treadmill or sitting with your remote being able to press fast forward. Relationships take time! The ones that usually move fiercely will most likely end up crashing and burning before the air bag even had its chance to pop. As a Maven, and after several experiences of introducing a guy to my “rents,” I’ve learned to STOP being so anxious, and under most circumstances, wait until he introduces me to his before he meets mine! Now, for everyone looking back at all the men and women you may have brought to meet your parents, was it really that important? Did it ever actually help your relationship?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The Truth About "Hanky Panky!"

Why are so many men and women single today? Is it like most women think, “a man’s world?” Or, is the underlying problem in the women, and not the men? Most single women claim they are single because it’s the men who don’t pursue anything more than a fling, and show trouble when having to “commit.” Oftentimes men, no matter what age they are, don’t even understand how to ask a girl out in the proper fashion. When speaking with Brady, a male friend of mine, I was telling him how while at my friend’s party, I met a “prospect” who, on the “surface” seemed like a sincere, quality guy, I’d be interested in getting to know. Since we had exchanged contact information and hung, clung, and chatted the night away, I couldn’t understand why a week had gone by and I hadn’t heard from him. Brady said, “SO? Pick up the phone if you want to talk. For heavens sake, it’s the 21st Century; what’s the big deal?” Well, to MOST women, having to initially contact the man is a BIG deal. Why should a woman have to initiate and “pursue” a man? Just because society has allowed many women to hold aspiring careers like men doesn’t mean that when it comes to relationships, a woman shouldn’t have to reach out and make the first move. Even modern women want a little chivalry every now and then.

Recently my friend sent me an article to read which focused on women and relationships. It was saying how women are actually the ones actually playing the game, “kiss and run.” I can remember times when I have met a great guy, such as Harrison, whom at first sight and in every way possible was fully enthralled with and attracted to and found myself fantasizing about dating him, hooking up with him, having fun together, and what life may entail if we were that “hot couple.” Because there are SO many characteristics that attract you to a person, one really must figure out and decide what composes their “perfect 10.” Was I judging Harrison on the “surface” and being superficial? Or, was I looking at his Breitling watch and Gucci flip flops and liking him for his “materialistic goods,” great style? Just because someone has a nice watch or good taste in flops doesn’t necessarily mean that after the layers of Hanky Panky’s and Calvin Klein briefs come off he, or she, will complete your “perfect 10.”

Was Harrison’s brain thinking the same as mine? I didn’t know jack about him to determine what was going through his brain. OR, if he had met my “perfect 10.” Since I had just met him, and most guys can put on a good “poker” face and play a good game, and having “peaked” my curiosity with his “hot bod” and fabulous style, I decided to play my cards and see what lies ahead since all I had was questions racing through my mind. Since he was overly “flirtatious” with me, I wondered if he was relationship material, or if he was just your typical, Playa? Hopefully we have all hit that point and realize that just because some hot guy with shining blue eyes gazing at you and a rock-hard waxed body (that any girl would fantasize jumping), doesn’t mean he’s flawless. Even having come to the understanding that it goes WAY beyond what’s on the surface, I still wondered in my “dirty brain,” since everything on the outside SEEMED so, “WELL ENDOWED,” was his inside that way, too? Fact: Some women’s minds can be just as raunchy and dirty as your men’s!
My first impression of Harrison was that he seemed like “my type” of guy. My “take” was that he was classy, well manicured and groomed (with no hairs left out of place or finger nails overgrown), a chic dresser--not the “Dockers” type—who also appeared to have excellent taste. (Now, just to CLARIFY, excellent taste does not necessarily mean one “flaunts” their dough or buys the most expensive or name brand items.) Harrison’s charismatic charm along with his exquisite manners and direct eye contact showed me his street smart and sexy sides. Needless to say, he had caught my “full attention.” But because my brain was fogged while trying to decide right there and then if he was my “perfect 10” (and, we all should know that one night isn’t enough time to figure that out, but one can wish), and my “hormones” got the best of me and were clouding my vision that, before I could even blink, or think Harrison may be spoken for, all those visions quickly became illusions when his girlfriend of 6 months barged through the door. Just because you find someone sexually appealing, you tend to find yourself “sucking” them in and whisking them out of your life quicker than your cleaning lady can strip your smelly, cumed-on sheets off.

FACT: Both men and women don’t take a time-out to analyze. They are too quick trying to convince themselves that just because you had “chemistry” with the opposite sex and envisioned them naked they will turn and be your “perfect 10,” or what you want as your life-long sex partner.

However, what makes up your “Perfect 10?” Will every single you meet be able to fulfill your dreams? For some, the “perfect 10” is composed of several attributes: looks or personality, motivation and drive, or the passion in a person. For others it could be where they pick, (or how they pay for), your first date—platinum or cash. (If they pay with cash, does that mean they have bad credit and can’t have a credit card?) Or, it could be where they went to college, IVY or STATE, or how and where they were raised. Maybe your “perfect 10” depends on what type of car they drive, or their career and goals--are they making “six figs” or more, one may think? OR, it may depend if they come with a small
Herve Chapelier carry-on, or a trunk full of baggage. For some people, the “surfer-dude” is the biggest turn-on, reminding them of their Malibu Beach Ken and Barbie dolls. And for others, it may be the “Harvard intellectual,” who is never seen at Starbucks without a copy of The Economist.

Because there are so many single men and women in society, people often misjudge, misinterpret, and find themselves questioning why, after what had seemed to have been a “good” date, and while securing you into a taxi, he manages to “slip in” along with a “peck” that he’d call you this week for plans. Then, WHY does a man “give up,” delete the number or store for “safe keeping,” yet says and acts like he wanted to go out again…why don’t they just DO what they say?

In the article from my friend, it spoke about Fear to “Commit,” and contained a little “Commitment Phobic” quiz. Is the answer that he is “hiding” by not calling and not reaching out due to the fear to commit? Or are we using the fear of commitment as a “crutch” to STAY single? When do you finally see that just because there are many singles out there, will you ever WAKE up and realize there aren’t many that fit in your “nook.” What is it about that person that gave you that “connection?” In the first few moments you find yourself fantasizing what it would be like if you had unbelievable passionate, hot and wild sex together? Could this person be your “prince” AND meet your “perfect 10?” Yet, somehow you just aren’t seeing it growing right in front of you, and let your fear stand in your way? How do you figure out what your “perfect ten” is, and open up, and face your fear? You may be giving up before you even allow yourself to really decipher if you passed up a great lady or gent because you were too immature to face the real problem, and still too much of a Playa to see that playing gets old faster than you? What if you met a GREAT person that you REALLY liked (or even better--they are your “safety friend” that everyone keeps saying to you, is PERFECT for you) BUT, for whatever “buried” reasons and excuses you can make, you don’t chase her other then to grab a happy hour drink, or for a late night “Booty” call? If these actions implying that you’re trying to “figure things out,” when does that time finally come? Or, are you just looking for a temporary “piece?” When you do take the time to stop and see that deep down the answer, you just want to scream, YES, you are SCARED to commit! Well, grow up, and stop playing the “field;” you’re not getting any younger and wouldn’t it be nice to always have a “play mate?”

Fact: It’s normal to be “scared;” HOWEVER, that shouldn’t be enough for you to hide and not take that leap. You won’t know unless you try!

Why not try opening the door, and taking the time to get to know someone (that maybe just more than a one night fling) whom you apparently enjoyed taking out, BEFORE passing up on someone who may have been your “perfect 10?” Is it because you’re allowing your dick to act as your brain? Dreaming and fantasizing is SO easy to do, as seen in my infatuation of Harrison. Just because there are SO many dicks and pusses out there, doesn’t mean every one is a “perfect 10.” Hasn’t the moment in time arrived where your dick is getting sick of all the different licks, and would like to know it’s finally taken so many trips that now it’s landed the best one? Time has come to now open your eyes and begin to “clearly” see that just because you have tried SO many different flavors, you may actually be overlooking a classic favorite. By tasting that new flavor that just maybe the opening you needed. And, if liked then, why not dive in and try it again, with the possibility of getting “lucky” that it will only taste even better time and again! BUT, by letting your “fear” stand in your way, you may sadly one day end up with regrets until that cold ice bucket of water gets dumped on you that makes you realize that “perfect 10” you once tried, and liked, is gone. What most people don’t understand and VERY seldom see, is that just because so many singles exist, this doesn’t mean every one you meet is the right for you or, your “perfect 10.”

NOW, WATCH OUT. If you meet someone who doesn’t fulfill your sexual lust and desire, and the attraction isn’t initially there, but there are things about the person that you like, maybe then you should try giving the person a “shot”…..However, as a Maven, who has once or twice tried to “force” that “chemistry and “attraction” which never grew then, I firmly believe if only ½ of the “perfect 10” is there, and you are trying to force what’s missing, then you will never be fully satisfied, and your eyes will always wander. Now, if you take a look back, how many of you out there realize you may have given up or overlooked what may have been your, “perfect 10?”

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Back, Sack, & Crack

It’s very easy to be at home surfing all the singles websites on a cold winter night, and then going out drinking and fulfilling your daily calorie intake while meeting some random “dude” at a bar. One gets to a certain point in their life where they just don’t frequent the bars/clubs as much as they used to, and instead find themselves sitting at home, searching the net looking for singles. Could we ever have imagined, years ago, that we just may find our husband or wife in the world of internet dating?

You start by posting a profile and picture, and in the boxes where is asks you to tell about yourself, you sit there and think about what to write. Do I speak the “truth” or do I say the generic; I’m looking for my “soul mate,” I want a “best friend,” or I like the movies, clubs, bars, and museums…and don’t forget, oh, I’m SO athletic. Then, you click on the second picture and you think—ATHLETIC! This guy looks like he weighs 250 pounds. Is his sport of choice pie-eating contests? Along with reading many profiles and random emails you get, I find it fascinating how SO many of them aren’t TRUE. How do some of you men actually think that posting a picture back when you where 160 pounds and had a full head of thick black hair is going to get you laid at 35 when you are BALD and 80 pounds heavier? When you click on the second picture to find out that the first picture is from ten years prior, it can be QUITE shocking. Where did all his hair go; where’s his “baby face” and “athletic build?”

Starting a relationship of any sort on lies and misrepresentations is NOT going to help you in the long run. Men and women, at some point, figure out what it is they are attracted to. For some it’s brains, looks, personality, family background, religion/culture, careers, sexual orientation, or for the gold diggers, how much loot is in the bank. Well, it’s very easy to hide and lie on all of the above when placing your singles posting, and I will tell you, it SUCKS! I have been out on so many online dates that I stopped counting! The guy will say he’s 5’10” and I, 5’8”, will put a tiny heel on and meet the guy only to find out he’s almost a whole head shorter than me, and his eyes are at breast-level. Is that any way to start off…by LYING? Even worse, is when in the picture they have a FULL head of hair, and when you meet them you find they’re as bald as the Boston College eagle! Men, do you like “bald women”? Maybe some of you do, or maybe some like that little strip called the Brazilian, but either way, I’m sure a woman, if asked, wouldn’t LIE so that when you go down on her you find a grass field and become so turned off that you jump up, throw your pants on, and bolt faster than a rod of lightening!

Being well-maintained and manicured is just as important for men as it is for women. There is nothing worse when playing footsies with someone and their feet are rough or their nails are so long that they scratch you every time your legs rub against theirs. Seriously, get yourself into the Korean’s for a pedicure! What about hair--the topic MOST women HATE about men. Out of all the women I’ve had this conversation with, there is NOTHING worse than a man who is covered from head to toe like an “ape.” Men, do you like a woman who doesn’t shave or wax? Well, let me introduce you to the “J-sisters.” It’s on 57th Street, and they give a wax like never before. GET IN THERE! Back hair, chest hair, hair around your balls, TRIM IT, BUZZ IT, WAX IT, but somehow get rid of it and clean it up! I cannot tell you how many times I have sat with my metro sexual guy friends at Salvi’s, this unbelievable barber shop in Newton, Massachusetts. For 11 bucks, the men get a clean trim and a little shave. Now, there are other men I know who spend over $50 on a hair cut and the hairdresser, but then the client won’t shave the neck, leaving this hair from their back EWWEEEEE nothing more unattractive! Men, you must do something about this problem. You could be a very handsome man, have a great personality, and the girl may really like you, but the hair problem needs to be addressed.

It was winter time; there was a UJA (United Jewish Federation) charity event at the Puck building in New York. I end up meeting one of my friends, Josh. He’s tall, funny, a great dancer, and a “hairy” Israeli! How could I tell he was hairy? Well, it was quite obvious. He had greasy, longish-length THICK hair, rough like scruff on his face, and I sensed he was a hairy like “ape.” Sure enough, we ended up going out for drinks after the event. He took off his blazer to coat check it, and unbuttoned the first 3 buttons on his white Hugo Boss button down. MAN when I tell you I could’ve French-braided the hair on his chest! Oh my god, I was SO turned off. Not to sound mean, but come on now. MEN, just like how you like a clean girl “down under,” please have some pity on us ladies and start cleaning yourself up before being SO critical on us!

Friday, March 9, 2007

Make Up Or, Break Up Sex?

Anyone knows that New Year’s Eve can either be really, REALLY fun, or REALLY bad. I keep trying to convince myself that staying in and getting sushi take-out with a bottle of red wine and champagne to toast with when the ball drops is such a better way of celebrating New Years than racing over to the “Bal Harbour Shops” 24 hours prior to the big night trying to scout out new “digs” since I can’t seem to settle for anything my wardrobe has to offer!

The phone and texts won’t stop. Are you buying a ticket? What’s your deal? Where are you going to go and what have you decided what to do? Dude, I can’t hold this ticket forever! Previous years I had no question of what to do and would buy two or sometimes even three tickets to parties held either at Raleigh, Setai, Shore Club or Shelburne, or wherever else I was being “convinced” to go. For some reason though, this year I wasn’t too keen on partying in one of those overpriced hotels for hours on end, where you can’t even make it to the bar for a well-needed drink, and the music can barely be heard because, unlike the promoters promised, instead of the table being “front and center,” it is so far back that it’s practically in the restroom! Chartering a yacht with friends would’ve been more satisfactory, maybe a tad more expensive, but a midnight yachting excursion over an over-crowded club isn’t too hard of a choice! My alternative to those “hotel parties” was my Floridian friend, Enrique’s, “house” party on Alton Road, catered with sushi and a professional DJ spinning the tunes. SO appealing as this was, I accepted the invite! After 12AM hit and the bottles of champagne got popped, we all headed down to the beach to see friends, hit the parties, and scope out the “scene!”

I don’t know too many people who have ever met their “mate” or let alone began a relationship by meeting on New Year’s Eve. I do recall, however, lots of “break-ups” and fighting ignited among some couples. Why do couples choose holidays as their prime time to pick a fight? How many of you in relationships have been in situations where, at a family gathering, your significant other decides to start in? Well, it’s the most unpleasant thing that one encounters, next to your aunt’s dry turkey breast or over-cooked brisket that the sharpest knife won’t cut. Being embarrassed by someone is worse than having a random hook up where the girl, or in some cases guy, didn’t “shave.”

I’m mind boggled why so many couples stay in relationships with tension and constant bickering. Why, prior to marriage, do couples feel the need to get “therapy?” Seriously. Aren’t the early stages supposed to be the “honeymoon period?” Therapy before marriage, WHAT? If you really analyze this one, then please WAKE THE FUCK UP and start acknowledging and accepting that he, or she, may just NOT be your “soul mate.” If you are staying with the person just because the make up sex is SO HOT, and steamier than the steam at “LA Sports Club,” this isn’t a good enough reason to stay together. It’s not like you’re 90 years old in a nursing home looking for that widow to come and jerk you off! Should relationships be SO much work that you get the feeling you have a second job? Sometimes other jobs are excuses for not wanting to go home to face the real issues.

Don’t couples know how UNHEALTHY and DRAINING fighting under tension is, and worse, doing it under one roof? Issues that are causing problems more often than not will lead to weight gain from eating a hot fudge banana-split sundae with non-fat ice cream so you can try and justify the calorie…just like make up sex or her giving you great “head” is a means of trying to solve the problem. Well, just like any nutritionist will tell you, calories are calories, and the non-fat ice cream won’t PERMANATLY stop you from gaining weight, just like make up “sex” will not PERMANATLY stop or cease the existing problems. By not confronting the issue and burying it in the cup with all the topping, or worse, under the down comforter and 400 thread count sheets, is not going to help make your relationship better or make the tension evaporate! How come, then, do many couples still stay together prior to marriage, when deep down they truly aren’t happy? Is it the fear of being alone, or anxiety that they’ll never have such great sex, or the dread that they’ll never meet another, possibly better suited, candidate?

I will never forget a few years ago when I was in Nuevo Nails, a salon in Coolidge Corner (Brookline, MA) and ran into a married friend of mine, Allison. At the time, I had been living with my boyfriend, Sebastian, for six months. She asked me how everything was going--you know, the standard “girl talk” while getting mani’s/pedi’s. My ex and I were going through a “rough patch.” Some bumps are repairable, but I told Allison how I didn’t know where our relationship was going and was having serious reservations…but not that ones that Amex Platinum can’t fix! For ten years, Sebastian and I were best friends with “benefits.” But when he moved back to Boston and into my apartment, before we knew it we became your “old married couple” that wasn’t truly happy. Allison understood our “rough patch”; she told me that she had a similar situation with her ex. She said, and I will never forget this, “You are too young to be this miserable and unhappy. Unless you fully close one door, you are preventing the opportunity for a new door to open…if you want that new door.” What I wanted was MY apartment, with me, time ALONE, and SPACE to figure out what it was that I really wanted. Was it Sebastian, or was I holding onto something I knew wasn’t necessarily right for me?

I realized that day that she was right. It was the rude WAKE UP CALL that I needed. I wasn’t scared of being alone or coming home to an empty house--for heavens sake I’m an only child--talking to myself is “normal.” I was more concerned with hurting someone I deeply cared about. I had finally come to the realization that he wasn’t the “one” for me. Breaking up isn’t easy. It’s always easier to end a relationship when you can HATE the person because of something they did, (i.e. cheating, etc.), but this wasn’t the case. Just because you care about someone and may even still “love” them does NOT mean that he or she is the suitable person for you to spend the rest of your life with. Frequent fighting isn’t the way to live your life. Making excuses or “brushing” off the problem for the time-being isn’t like crumbs you can vacuum up. Trying to MAKE that light shine at the end of the tunnel that you know will never shine like you want it to, (like the canary diamond in the window at Cartier), will only make you unhappy. If you truly care about the person, shouldn’t you then be honest enough with yourself and them to end things rather than hitting the point where you’ll end up resenting them? Just because two people aren’t meant “to be” doesn’t mean the world is coming to a crumble. As the Maven, I ask: How many of you currently, or at some point in your life, have been in wrong relationships? Then, WHY don’t you just part, go your separate ways, and seek to find happiness somewhere else? If the shoe gives you blisters, then why don’t you just get a new pair?

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Mr. Right OR, Mr. Right Now

How do you actually know you’re ready for a relationship or… marriage? Oftentimes women, when meeting a man, automatically assume he’s “the one.” What makes a woman assume this? Is it the vibe the man gives off? Is it the attraction/chemistry they both have for each other? Well, let’s just say that it’s not as presumptuous as one may think. While chatting with Elena, my married girlfriend, she tells me that she just finished speaking with her sister who has been dating this guy for almost a year. She’s been contemplating their next move, the ring before the key, or the key to the apartment with no ring.

Prior to being married, many couples decide to move in together, whether or not they’re engaged. It’s been shown that living with a significant other with or without that one, two, or three or more (if you’re lucky) carat flawless stone with rocks on the side is, a “make or break.” Does this mean that once you get the “bling” and after saying “yes,” and walking down the aisle in your long white Vera Wang gown and Manolo satin shoes, and move in together everything will still be magical? Will having a piece of paper witnessed on your wedding day by your best man and maid of honor bring you good luck like the glass broken in a “Jewish” wedding? Or, will that guest that you’ve always had that “connection” with but who wouldn’t “commit” interrupt your vows and to oppose your marriage, fully knowing that deep down you’re marrying the wrong man and you should be with him?

Well, before the ring and marriage even take place, the sister ends up moving in without the “bling.” Ten days goes by, and on a gorgeous sunny Sunday when they should be going to “Tiffany’s,” the boyfriend in the driver’s seat jerks the wheel hard right, hits a detour, and ends up not getting a little blue box with a white ribbon…BUT, instead meanders down to the dog pound picking up a 4 week old yellow lab, their “baby.” Why now do some couples, when first moving in together, feel the need to take the detour and get a pup? Is it a replacement for prolonging the engagement or children? Maybe it is, and maybe the pup is their distraction so they don’t have to acknowledge taking that next step and getting engaged. Well, her sister is very happy and excited to show off the pooch--BUT, is she just really trying to forget that what she really wanted to be showing off was the “rock” she didn’t get? Sometimes people make alterations in their lives to better or worsen them or, to justify what they really want; and, in this case she was substituting the dog for the ring.

In the last ten days, and after all of their new “changes” and reality started settling in, they wonder: Will the excitement and their love for each other still be there? She is so certain that he is “the one,” but will this all change once they are under one roof and they REALLY get to live day to day with each other? Will it become so convenient that they don’t see the WHOLE picture or how their dependence is unhealthy? Well, it’s very easy to become blind-sighted when living under one roof and spending so much time together, that the things you once appreciated start to annoy and frustrate you. It becomes like a Monet for both, where the man sometimes prolongs the engagement and worse, marriage, leaving the woman to start picking fights. Once a woman begins to get “anxious” and her “time line” that she forgot about has resurfaced, the gestures she throws out trying to subtlety give him that push or hint towards their “next step” to that blue box with the white ribbon may or may not always work towards her favor. Then, why after moving in together does it take some men so long to formally commit and make that next step? Are men just buying time until they’re pushed so far that ultimatums start being given? Most of us know that men, and most women, don’t like being “pushed,” and furthermore, NOBODY likes ultimatums. Why is it that certain men take SO long to initially ask out a girl, and even worse, after you’ve dated for a significant period, doesn’t “pop” the question? But, truth be told, when the boat starts getting too rocky will he, or she, stay ashore or sink?

Sunday, March 4, 2007

HAPPY HOUR AND EX'S

So my phone rings....it, was Jay, my “ex”, a prince that once swept me off my feet. But I was so blinded in the relationship that I did not recognize the larceny in his sole; proving that old adage true, “never lend cash or credit cards to boyfriends with the expectation of being paid back. Though even with all the wrong Jay did causing me to back his bags and send him hiking, I still manage to catch occasional glimpses of the knight in shining armor. Yes though, there are still those certain “ex’s” for some unknown reasons that, even with their tarnished coats just don’t disappear. I flipped open my phone and he asked that I meet him at the Four Season’s at 4. “Ok, see you there!”

Before I met him I had a 3pm appointment on 63rd and a 3:30 on 76th n 2nd. I was showing two studio apartments to my friend’s mother. For the first time ever I was having an indecisive moment. The mother asked, “Which apartment did you like better?” I couldn’t decide, both had certain pros and cons similar to men you meet…some are rich but fucked up in the head, some are “poor” and “hot,” some are “hot” and “wealthy”, some are poor and academically smart yet unmotivated, some are motivated computer dorks with Gap Button downs and chino’s, and then some are just full of “space” and left just as “empty” as the waiter forgetting to pour more Pellegrino into your glass. But the worst men or women are the ones that are so full of themselves with undeserved pomposity.

Caroline and I strolled down 2nd Ave. We were going to take a cab, but I was thinking, no gym today and craving the glass of wine which I knew I would end up choosing over the virgin “cappuccino” at the 4 Seasons. As Caroline and I walked, I could not stop visioning the Noir; needless to say I was “power walking!” When I arrived at the “Season” Darrel was standing under the heated lamps ready to greet! I waited while the valet took Jay’s “body guard” Tony’s SUV.

After 2 rounds of Cosmo’s for the boys and Pinot Noir’s for me, we contemplated on where to hit next. A part of me wanted SO bad wanted to go home back to “Pasha,” grab a salad and turkey Burger from Equinox, sit on my sofa and watch “GH” (General Hospital for all you questioning; and YES I still love watching the saga along with Nicholas and Emily!) However, my other half was in dire need of a good dose of happy hour, which resulted in me “sticking” with the boys!”

Anyone knows when living in NYC, or visiting anytime you begin at the “Four Seasons” for a $19.00 vino and a $20.00 Martini and will usually end up “hoping” over to Tao for a bargain $12.00 “shot!” Every time I tell my mom I go to the Four Seasons she gets HORRIFIED to think I’d actually spend $19 on a cocktail but, this time it wasn’t me paying the “bill.” Being that she’s not a real “drinker” she can’t comprehend the price or how it’s a “social” thing. Now, what was initially supposed to be one end of the day “drink,” and then a long overdue visit from Michael, the massage therapist at 9pm ends up with a postponing text to Michael and, an unforeseen morning of waking up to empty bottles of Figi along with a bottle of Advil to help ease my eye ball of a headache!

We arrived at Tao just in time for the “early bird” special and managed to score 3 center seats at the bar. The wasabi peas were so tempting, but the diet was going too well that I didn’t even dare! Since Jay had a 6:30pm appointment downtown he decided to leave me in “safe hands” with his “body guard”, Tony. A, 6’4” Italian, bald with a go tee and, John Hardy chain hanging outside his V neck “Banana Republic” cashmere sweater. I was finishing sipping the last of my “noir” and my eagle eyes spot this 6 ft, well dressed handsome blue eyed guy, alone, looking thru his blackberry and checking his watch. I assumed he was waiting for clients or friends. Tony ran off to the SUV to charge his phone and left me single, with a new full glass of wine and 2 stools!

Happy hour’s sometimes will end up being a LONG night. For some reason once you “suck” down a few you have a hard time turning the bar tender off. Well this was the case. Alone the handsome guy orders a “martini”. I offer him Tony’s stool fully knowing Tony wouldn’t object. The guy sits down and, Tony comes back. The 3 of us end up “shooting the shit” and getting acquainted with our new “fine-looking” friend.

Tony stays for a little while longer until his phone rang and it was his wife, “WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? DO YOU KNOW HOW LATE IT IS?” Men, is it really that hard to “check in” with the spouse as in this case, or a girlfriend? I mean isn’t it merely about “doing the right thing?” But right now I wasn’t focusing on Tony or his wife. All I was interested in was chatting with Avi!

Now, men I’m sure all of you at one time or another have picked up a woman in a bar/lounge/club. And, women I’m certain the majority of you have managed to eye that “stallion” and what starts off as innocent bat of your lashes ends up as “trouble and entertainment” when you attempt to “part” in separate cabs since one of you is heading uptown and the other down. However, after a long evening of running around the city to Morgan bar, Stk and Marquee, Avi says “come back and let’s hang out for a little while longer.” Now we all know what a “little while longer” means, either; you hook up a little, or a lot, (either just kisses or hitting home run): you, go home immediately after; OR, you end up in one of his “t-shirts” doing the “walk of shame” out of his building, in your clothes from the night before and, quickly fetch a taxi home in the AM! Either way you are NOT taking the subway!

Regardless of the decision you make, to go back and hang or go home. If you do either your mind starts wondering, Will I ever go out or speak/see him again? I like this guy, he told me he liked me too, are these men just saying that to get you to have “sex” with them? Probably! But, what will he think if you end up going back, will he think of me as a slut? Obviously the chemistry for want is mutual so why not go back? WHY not is CORRECT! BUT, it’s apparent you liked each other, are both single with common interests THEN, WHY not take her out again? You liked her enough to “hang out” and spend the whole evening together leaving all of your friends, that it seems quite evident that you both “connected.” SO Miss Maven wonders, WHY not just pick up the phone, and stop playing the game and, ASK HER OUT AGAIN?

Friday, March 2, 2007

Courting a Woman

Why is it that men in today’s society do not play the “role” of the man? What do women want from men? How does a woman want a man to “pursue” her? All of these questions are highlighted current topics of discussion among society today.

Getting a man to ask a woman out the “appropriate” way can be quite the “challenge.” Men get hungry, they know they’re craving a “FILET” and have no problem choosing where to eat it, Wolfgang’s or Strip House? On the contrary it’s quite a shame they are not as able to be decisive when asking a girl out and, picking the place to meet. It’s a sad commentary, but more often then not, the man will leave it up to the woman to pick the place, therefore “making” the date!

Seriously MEN, Is this the way you should be asking a woman out? Let me explain this concept to you, WOMEN LOVE when you, the MAN, take charge and make all the date “arrangements.” THIS is very attractive to a woman! It’s not like we woman are demanding the man HAS to date her exclusively, or that he MUST take her out for a $300 dinner to Le Cirque with a bottle of “Cristal!” All we are really expecting is just a little common courtesy when planning the date with a girl; you’d think it would be as easy as remembering to go to CVS and buy your mom a card for mother’s day!

It’s a snowy Saturday night and you decide to stay in and spend your night trying to meet a QUALITY “prince” online. You log on and see the blinking icon saying you have got a “MESSAGE.” You “double click” to open your in box, and look to check Sandy out! From reading the small descriptions that are given you are able to see the majority of the profiles pretty much describe whether the girl or guy is more likely to “shop” at Saks or, H & M!

After reading his renderings you decide if he’s someone you’d like to meet. You hit REPLY and email the lad back! The emails go back and forth as you both share your interests on things you like to do; clubs vs. lounges, drinks vs. café; prefer tuna tar tar vs. escargot or Sushi Samba vs. Nobu. Optimistically Ms. Maven is hoping you both also touch upon a small amount of “substance” aside from the “B/S” to “IM” about! Undoubtedly I would be bewildered if you didn’t figure out within minutes if they are more prone to eat at McDonald’s or P.J Clarks! However, why must there be so many back and forth emails and WORSE, IM’S? Why doesn’t he just invite you to join him for a café or cocktail so you both can meet face to face? This would eliminate the numbers of emails and IM’s and leave for a little mystery and excitement for the “date!” It’s really not a difficult task MEN to make a date with a female. STILL though for whatever reason it has become a MAJOR problem and, out of the many online dating singles I asked most said, they usually talk significantly to the guy long before he initiates a “get together!” WHY IS THIS? He presumably can drink a Goose on the rocks quicker then he can ask a girl out on a date! If truth be told men, you MUST start to “STEP IT UP A NOTCH” and not a SCOTCH!

Lastly a date is made but then comes the big decision of where to meet up. Since you’ve had various conversations the girl has made it very clear, and yes men, PAY attention, WOMEN SAY THINGS FOR A REASON, THEY HINT and give out “clues”…..NEVERLESS, this time you were WELL informed SEVERAL TIMES that she is coming from the Upper East or West sides of the city and, nonetheless you STILL pick a place DOWNTOWN; which is closer and more convenient for you. WHAT?? MAJOR RED FLAG MEN and I’m not talking about the Flag hanging on Fifth Ave in front of The Pierre Hotel!

RED FLAG ALERT! Please men you must STOP and bring acting this way to a hault. Women HATE these traits with a passion! Perhaps you should try viewing yourself as a father or brother (or worse put yourself in the girl’s shoes); would you want your DAUGHTER or SISTER treated like this and asked out like this from a guy? I mean dating isn’t like planning to go bar crawling/clubbing with your “boyz!” It’s about making the effort and illustrate to the girl you’re really thinking about meeting her and attempt to show your effort by being the strong, take charge powerful man that makes decisions showing the woman you are in control! Men here’s a little tip, women like nothing more then looking forward to meeting you. They want to be able to smile, pick out a charming outfit, sit pretty and hope they are going to have a nice evening, EVEN IF no “hook up” occurs or you never end up going out or seeing each other again. HOWEVER you never know and a shocking surprise would be if you started dating and end up getting “hitched!”

See, dating provides you with many experiences of interacting with all different types of people. Hopefully by dating all types of men or women it helps to clear your vision and allows you to REALLY determine what traits and qualities that you look for, are attracted to and, admire in a partner. Dating before marriage is a true learning experience. It’s like trying different restaurants, some you’d go back to and some you wouldn’t. But remember, the first time is the “audition”, if you go back a second time it may very well not be what you had expected or thought you liked when you “auditioned.” Fortunately two wasted nights out along with a few spent bucks is better than 17 long wasted and MISERABLE years as husband and wife!

Thus, my Maven advice to all of you SINGLE MEN OUT THERE, start to do the right thing no matter what age you are. INDULDGE THE GIRL whether she is someone you meet just once, someone who you become good friends with, someone you start to “hang out & hook up” with, or someone you start to date and see where it goes. Any man or woman dating should always be welcoming, considerate, and polite. You never know where in the world this person may “resurface” or what bridges you both will cross or, if you become friends, WHERE YOUR FRIENDSHIP or “friends with benefits” will lead to down the road. You should always end a date on a positive note whether or not a mutual or sexual connection was felt. This leaves the person feeling a positive vibe about you. If an optimistic feeling is left, the opportunity for the door always to remain open is better then closed and leaving a bad taste in your memory and mouth! SO, men and women, thinking back on ALL the dates you’ve gone on. How many of you walked away saying, “this is someone who I’d like to remain friends with? And nobody can ever fully know what may surface with your date in the days, months, or years ahead.